I will…I wish…

i’m not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i’m sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i’m not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i’ve found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you – The Reason, Hoobastank

I will remember that I cried for her in the bathroom, with the shower open.

I will remember that I looked to the door everyday, until she entered the class room.

I will remember that I found her.

I will walk the streets with her memories.

I will remember that I wished her to walk by me, and listen to her stories.

I will remember to recollect every moment with her every morning.

I will cherish her memories like there is no tomorrow.

I wish to walk beside her sometimes.

I wish I was more perfect, smarter, sharper, intelligent, strong.

I wish I had a nicer face!

I wish I didn’t have ‘Super massive’ Love inside me.

I wish I could make a skydive.

I wish she didn’t turn her cellphone off.

I will remember we make choices to never look back.

I will remember that I AM IN LOVE!

 

Thoughts without conclusion and etc.

After a long time I am writing. Recently I have been experiencing some remarkable thoughts and events. I didn’t notice the events or thoughts starting it’s play or ending. I just had them, at the edges of consciousness.

1. Being myself! It became so apparent that I am me, and I cannot be someone else, I can never look into the universe with someone else’s eyes. I have to be me for the rest of my finite life. As child I often wondered how someone else was seeing something. Maybe it was just a more mature version.
2. I kept seeing programs, solving simple programming tasks. Sometimes the programming was getting related to Life, classes and objects related to reality! Something like Songs in Code.
3. I saw the dresses changing, changing without meaning. Colours of houses changing.
4. Duet of thoughts: I am in Love, I should not be in Love!
5. Saw a book full of poems or programs.
6. Wouldn’t it be great if she felt Love for me!?
7. How can all the Girl I felt Love for  didn’t feel anything special about me? Do I have to clear an ELT (Eligibility for Love Test)?
8. I saw a desert made of snow, with distant mountains, I thought I saw Kamet there.
9. I was playing a Guitar and a Piano.
10. I fell in LOVE! I was drowning until I went to sleep.
11. I noticed tears on my cheek.
12. I was handling a DSLR, taking photos randomly.
13. Entropy was going backwards, with a Guitar String.
14. I was like Clint Eastwood in The Good The Bad and The Ugly.
15. I was designing a fully fledged PC motherboard in some EDA software, which could read my thoughts route through multiple layers.

Decades and dissapointments

Recently, I noticed that some people just don’t take me as I am. Few think I am a show off, few jealous of me because I am a bit radical. This is maybe because I projected myself a bit differently, or maybe it is an effect of a faulty educational system. Or it maybe both.

One very good friend of mine in college confirmed my doubts, that few students got me wrong. I am really really disappointed about this.

All I wanted is to share the little joys of the academics, and they thought I am a f**king “Show Off!”. I feel abused!

They hate if you’re clever and despise a fool / ‘Til you’re so **** crazy you can’t follow their rules – Working Class Hero, GreenDay

Whatever, I can’t let myself go. Can I? So I built my 1st “Hello World!” in Digital Systems. A NE555 astable clock, with a HCF4017BE Decade Counter I built a LED Shifter, 10LEDs. This circuit is my first out-of-brain circuit, but a easy one.

The far Green LED is the clock, and the faraway yellow is a Carry Output. And the 10 in between is actually the output of the counter.

I am no good video worker and I cannot shoot great videos. This one is crappy, but it can show you what I built. (And the background music is Ebb & Flow by Jason C. Cluts).

And one more fun thing I read from this months Scientific American issue,

Suddenly, as Schmidt cranked up the current flowing through the diode, a narrow beam of blue-violet light shot out of it. “Wow!” he thought. “I can finally graduate!”

Some people are so devoted to their work, and others don’t even know what they are really doing!

The Rescue

I was waiting for a long time to post this. But I could not as my internet connection was down. But now, that I have regained the connection, I think I should write up this story right away.

Well, they were not conservation workers who did the job, there. They did rescue a DOG, from almost certain death. I am no good story teller, but I will try my best, so that you won’t fall asleep.

I didn’t even notice what was going on, but I saw one among team was looking the down a hole, near a temple named Ghagarburi. The rocks near the temple is has some strange holes, made by some industrial effluent flowing there. And there was some scream, it was the dog, and it fell in a watered hole. It was the scream that I noticed (and once again it was proved, that scream is an evolutionary aid).

Well, here is the team:

Now, just as we noticed that the dog was in trouble, the first thing that was on our mind that how to save it.

We saw a piece of clothe. We thought it would have traction with her feet, if we lay it at the mouth of the hole, as she was slipping. But that didn’t work as the cloth was slipping itself. “Godammit!”, we thought.

Then someone brought a large branch of a tree, to help the dog. But she couldn’t understand that we meant it for a ladder. And she screamed even louder.

The operation:

…

Ultimately she did get out, with the help that piece of clothes, as one us stopped the clothe from slipping.

I didn’t really did anything in the operation but I felt very light that day, when she looked back while running to her kids. I don’t know if it was gratitude, or some mystified look.

Run Baby, Run! Your kids are waiting for you…

Three phase systems, 5star and music addiction

I am having a addiction. Very bad, as it might harm my ears. Sometimes it appears to me that I am wearing the ear buds all the time. Sometimes my Philips GoGear portable audio player, or sometimes my Sony Ericsson W350. I keep listening! I feel more free. And suddenly I am having a mind to list down the songs that connects me to my significant crushes.

1st I don’t remember.

My 2nd crush: Ami Jare Chai Re by Bhoomi

3rd crush: Hey Shona from Ta Ra Rum Pum, Be With You by Enrique

4th crush: It’s My Life by Bon Jovi, City of Blinding Lights by U2

5th crush: Far Away by Nickelback

I have a new fondness for the Cadbury 5star. I eat those a lot nowdays.

And I understand poly phase systems. I studied a three phase AC system just today, and had great fun learning an exciting engineering implementation. Great!

The shards from crushes still hurt, dreams scream in agony, envy ambushes mind, loneliness dominates the horizon, time appears to be much lubricated, home feels like prison (like to return late from college, but a friend give me a hurry), lost the purpose of life (trying to find it again), study seems to be meaningless, chat with friends seems so foolish and I am afraid that I am losing my ability to function.

Now, drinking a cup of Nescafe Instant Coffee, my sour tongue is finding some respite. I think it deserves some rest.

New and free!

She was asking her name, the name of the girl I liked. But I didn’t have the courage to tell her that it was she. When we both were running out of time, and our keyboards were becoming tired, I threw out something. I told that it was she. I could see her uneasiness flowing through some intricate keystrokes to my PC monitor. The Google Talk terminal made me feel that I didn’t make a good impression on her. And last night I too felt uneasy that I told her something that was a kind of social stigma. But after three years, I shot in a fragile moment.

But I never thought that the single confession would make me so light. I felt like new, like reinstalling my mind. I felt so much confidence today that I wanted to struggle in local trains to go to college, then I did all the physics stuff in college, so easily that it felt God, and even when returning to home, I felt so much energy that I could play a game of football. This is time I should return to science.

I know with such a confession, there is also a faint probability that she might not talk to me anymore, or she might take it lightly (as I expect). But it is now out of my hands. I know society itself is a so complex system that these light stuff can become complex. And that really makes me interested in such sciences a lot.

After three years of silence, I am finally free.

She told me that I was a fantasy dweller, and now I know that she was right. In my eighteen years of life, I never felt so light, so free. All that fantasy I had, was all an indulgence of pseudo happiness. Now I am happy that I have that rare non-physical energy, that would make me follow my passion and that energy is making me a man by the moment.

Lastly the thing I learned from this incident, I must note, is that we all have passions and remains a dream, but dreaming is nothing, will is everything. She was so right, I feel proud of her!

Relish

It was about 8.45 PM when I bought two “Vegetable chop”s from a very well known “Chop-wala” for Rs. 6; his “chop”s are beautiful. The stall is situated just beside a street junction near the railway station. I wanted to relish my newly bought “chop”s, embedded with vegetable salad. But danger loomed near; few buddies were there, who saw me, and I smiled at them, but I didn’t dare to show that I have a package full of relish in my hands. I rode my bicycle looking for a safe place to relish the beauty of the thing in my hand. While I was passing beside “Shyamnagar Girl’s School”, I noticed the place, thought I should to stop there, and eat my way through the upper hard crust of the “chop”, to the spicy, saucy, soft veggies. But unfortunately my english teacher was there, talking to someone. He grinned at me, and I grinned at him, and obviously I didn’t eat the “chop”s. I considered to go far away, near my school. When I was near the Shyamnagar Kanti Chandra High School crossing, where the sodium vapour lamp struggles to illuminate a big area, I noticed our assistant headmaster taking a evening walk (his home is near his school). I failed to eat again. I was again in search of a new place, to relish me “chop”s.

And lastly I had to eat my “chop”s, under the clear sky, where the rustling banyan tree beside was there for me, giving me my long lost faith in myself.

Tensor Addiction

Ya, I am addicted to Tensors. Before I try to describe that addiction, I would like to say what Tensors are.

An nth-rank tensor in m-dimensional space is a mathematical object that has n indices m^n components and obeys certain transformation rules. You get it? Well, you may not, or you may, but you are free to try to feel the tensors, you may try to think of this abstract mathematical object, you may try to touch it with your mind.

I try to do those, and there is my addiction. When I start to to think about Tensors, I go completely drugged. It feels good to think about those abstract relations. Linear algebra is one of those mathematical topics which requires real human mind. I believe everybody has a mind, this post is an invitation for that kind of thinking, you don’t need to be mathematically trained to get addicted, just Google up some tensor articles, read them and get addicted (unlike any addiction, tensor addiction is safe, but a bit time consuming, it will have you sitting quietly on your chair).

To me higher mathematics is just learning the notations, and learning how to use the and where to use them, because it is the instinct of our mind to do mathematics. We need notations to express them, just like poetry. But you don’t really have to write down notations after notation on pages to do mathematics, that is just an aid to memory and a processing ground.

I pointed out tensors because I think it is a good place to start the addiction, and I think there are other topics at the heart of mathematics which are addictive i.e. category theory, complexity classes, symmetries etc. I didn’t move to Category Theory yet, when I do, I will inform my beloved readers.

And, lastly, get addicted to science!

I didn’t really describe that addiction of tensors I told I will. Well, the truth is; I cannot describe that, feel it yourself, and don’t try to make a complete meaning out of this post, because this post itself is abstract.

Learning and lost

Again, I am going to blow this thing out. I recently read in Scientific American that Blogging has it’s own therapeutic values. “Great”, I think. I am receiving that therapy pretty easily, without knowing. I think I learn from experience, I really cannot learn from somebody, if only he tells me that. I realize now; standing on the edge of breaking myself, I have to play harder, I had to play harder! I didn’t. And, the net result, “A very important person lost trust in me…”, I don’t blame him of course, I cannot, as it was me who couldn’t qualify in IITJEE. And now when I just shout out “I going for SAT”, obviously most of the people will consider me MAD. Maybe I am MAD, but I know that I learned, though a bit late. I really learned from life. I visited IACS for a summer school, there they reignited my soul for science; and now after the declaration of the results, I am lost again. They are saying, “You have be a good academic to get a considerable position in Science, and your past academics is really dull”. I know that, but I cannot tell them that I learned. If I am all wrong, that I didn’t learn this time too, then what is the meaning of life to me. I need not to live anymore, as I will never learn, I will go down down and down, and ultimately… and if this is the situation, then I can try the hard way, I am in no hurry for dying!

I am getting a bit depressed I think. And I really am very very confused, blogging a kind of precious hobby to me, I just cherish the thought that someone will read, and give me some words of wisdom.

And amidst all these thoughts, the girl is fading away, just as Physics is fading aways from my life, my mind and my soul. Both of those entities are important to me, Physics and SHE, BOTH! But both are getting out of my hands, I cannot impress her, I cannot do physics. What am I worth? Dammit!?

Wrong dreams and the right ones

I always dream big. At least I did. I thought about getting some big A+, and some big stars and letters in exams, and ultimately in some great college. I was dreaming a wrong dream. And now at the edge of breaking myself, I realized that devotion, emotion and passion is all that matters in a dream, not the achievement. I lost some good marks in my +2 exams (I don’t know why, my exam was not that bad). Still I am getting angry with myself very frequently sometimes, just because I think I could run a bit more., I could out run a few more. I didn’t and that is the source of my frustration.

Achievement is just a consequence. A very wise man, a physicist recently told me about an interview of Sachin Tendulkar, while he was a high school batsman. The story goes like this: A journalist went to Tendulkar for an interview, the coach pointed to Tendulkar, who was practicing a square defensive shot. When the journalist asked for an interview, he asked the journalist to wait a bit, while his practice is over. The journalist sat near, watched Tendulkar, and soon got bored, as Tendulkar was practicing the same shot over and over again. After an hour, when the practice was over, Tendulkar came for the interview. After a few question, the journalist asked the question, “What’s your aim in life?”, and Tendulkar said, “To make that square defense shot perfect”, the journalist then asked, “Don’t you dream of leading the Indian team one day?”, and he said “It’s just a consequence of the perfection of my batting”

This particular story corrected me; all that matters is the reason you play.

There will always be some failures, there can always be some success and there will always be someone better that me. I now know, that hurting myself for a failure will take me to nowhere. All I can to do is to believe in what I my heart says, and that might take me to somewhere I need to go.

I am not here to write this post to describe something, to convey some message or to write some high quality blog. I just wanted to blow it out, like what Orhan Pamuk did.