I will…I wish…

i’m not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i’m sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i’m not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i’ve found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you – The Reason, Hoobastank

I will remember that I cried for her in the bathroom, with the shower open.

I will remember that I looked to the door everyday, until she entered the class room.

I will remember that I found her.

I will walk the streets with her memories.

I will remember that I wished her to walk by me, and listen to her stories.

I will remember to recollect every moment with her every morning.

I will cherish her memories like there is no tomorrow.

I wish to walk beside her sometimes.

I wish I was more perfect, smarter, sharper, intelligent, strong.

I wish I had a nicer face!

I wish I didn’t have ‘Super massive’ Love inside me.

I wish I could make a skydive.

I wish she didn’t turn her cellphone off.

I will remember we make choices to never look back.

I will remember that I AM IN LOVE!

 

Observations and stuff!

I saw a toddler today, playing with a toy bulldozer, on the street. The bulldozer was in pretty good shape. It was great, colorful and whatever a toy would should be good at. But this boy was not in a good shape, otherwise he wouldn’t be playing with that on the street. I wish we had camera in our eyes so that I could photograph some instants of my life without seeking the camera. Maybe that is every photographers dream.

Few days age a friend of mine told me what a perfectionist she was once upon a time, and how she somewhat lost it (I don’t believe that). I was amazed by her story! She is such a skilled person! Just as I Love her, I started to feel sometimes that I might not be an appropriate person for her, she deserves someone lot better and complete that me who can actually Love her. Sometimes that makes me so unhappy, I wish I could be that perfect in my principles and ways, and in what I do that I could near her. But flaws in my character are so deep that I am still trying to make myself more complete after 20 years of spending Life! She is so nice and yet so perfect in her ways; I never seen anyone like her. Whatever, I am so lucky that I met her!

I started to programme AVR microcontrollers. It was really very FUN! My friends really liked that I think. I enjoyed the compliments. But I wish they were more interest in doing some programming first hand. You can see my first project here.

“People like us don’t change, we either stay sharp or get sloppy” – Rusty, Ocean’s Eleven. I liked this quote very much. After very bad good awesome cool encounters with Life, I am what I am.

Working Through Pain

Lt. James Gordon: [Batman's been bitten by Croc] Are you in pain?
Batman: I work through pain.

That was when Batman was attacked by some Killer Croc. Then came the episode ‘Working Through Pain’.

It is very powerful sensation!

Thoughts without conclusion and etc.

After a long time I am writing. Recently I have been experiencing some remarkable thoughts and events. I didn’t notice the events or thoughts starting it’s play or ending. I just had them, at the edges of consciousness.

1. Being myself! It became so apparent that I am me, and I cannot be someone else, I can never look into the universe with someone else’s eyes. I have to be me for the rest of my finite life. As child I often wondered how someone else was seeing something. Maybe it was just a more mature version.
2. I kept seeing programs, solving simple programming tasks. Sometimes the programming was getting related to Life, classes and objects related to reality! Something like Songs in Code.
3. I saw the dresses changing, changing without meaning. Colours of houses changing.
4. Duet of thoughts: I am in Love, I should not be in Love!
5. Saw a book full of poems or programs.
6. Wouldn’t it be great if she felt Love for me!?
7. How can all the Girl I felt Love for  didn’t feel anything special about me? Do I have to clear an ELT (Eligibility for Love Test)?
8. I saw a desert made of snow, with distant mountains, I thought I saw Kamet there.
9. I was playing a Guitar and a Piano.
10. I fell in LOVE! I was drowning until I went to sleep.
11. I noticed tears on my cheek.
12. I was handling a DSLR, taking photos randomly.
13. Entropy was going backwards, with a Guitar String.
14. I was like Clint Eastwood in The Good The Bad and The Ugly.
15. I was designing a fully fledged PC motherboard in some EDA software, which could read my thoughts route through multiple layers.

All these good times!

The recent fever is actually helped me. It gave me some time in bed, alone with me, awake.

Most of the time I though about women, two in particular. I found something new…

When I was younger, I tried to use Bayesian probability theories to predict if some girl would like me or not. Ironically probability was never 1, and no Girl ever thought that I was cool enough to hang out with. Most of the prediction models were based on very simple logic that is sometimes used by ‘Love Guru’s, which I listened to carefully, just to make up some mathematical probability model for Hooking up. It makes me laugh these days, although I did get a pretty good understanding of probability and statistical data visualization.

I have had enough crushes, not enough for making a mathematical model, but still enough to predict time evolution of the next one.

I have had enough crushes, not enough for making a mathematical model, but still enough to predict time evolution of the next one.

During the fever I had a very very different kind of model to make. I never thought I gad to face such a thing. It is the most strangest model I ever had to try to build. I crushed to two, they overlapped on time frame. Though my ‘exceptional’ previous experience say that none of them likes me; That’s 100% sure (Deep inside my heart, I do hope for the opposite… XD). But what should what would I do if I had to choose between them. That was my latest brush with probability, after all the probability studies in college.

But is has a flip side, just as we don’t have such an advanced alien mathematics, I can have a good time, dreaming great dreams and live a life so thrilling!

My recent studies about human evolution and how can it explain our choice or partners were not really helpful at all. I cannot blame the scientists for that. The society is too much complex for traditional logical and reasoning techniques. I think we need some new more efficient mathematics for this. But is has a flip side, just as we don’t have such an advanced alien mathematics, I can have a good time, dreaming great dreams and live a life so thrilling!

If I went…

This post is crap, full of SIN! You may ignore…

If I went to some undergraduate school for sciences, I don’t think I would have to put up with such “Bitchings”. My friends always said that I don’t project myself anytime, so that I don’t get much fun. And in college when I tried to project myself, I got “Bitched”. All I wanted to share stuff I did, to help people have fun, and everybody just “Got Me Wrong” and “Bitched” me all the way. What the f**k is this!?

Some people don’t even try to do stuff, but can’t help bitching. My life is somewhat full of such people. Some people say that I am inclined to western philospophy. Maybe this is the reason why I am inclined. People at least should try to do stuff, then “Bitch” and Taunt, someone like Brian O’Connor in “Fast And Furious”.

To add more irony, I came to know that even my teachers think that I did download that LED Train circuit, which I didn’t. I liked that in a way, because in that way I can really make sure that my story is actually hard to believe, making me a kinda”Prime Cut” of Society, which I like to be.

And still I cannot just leave my street, that is no longer my style. My teacher said  “In your life there will be storms, earthquakes, nightmares, but nothing should jerk you off your street.” I never really took a good thought of that, now I do. My street is mine, anyone can come over for a walk, but no one can bitch me out of that. I won’t “Face the odds” anymore, I would “F**k the odds”.

And ultimately I forgive all these people, feeling sorry about them. It’s not really their fault.

Sarcasm @ 1am

For a few years I was building a subtle dream, looking after the tiny details,   giving some textures, colours, fragrances etc. I am no artist, but I felt like one while I was working on that dream.

No one can deny that a dream is bad. This dream of mine was mashed up with hope. It was a part of a net work of dreams, so intermingled that every detail was related to some other dream. I was convinced myself that working on this single dream would elevate the whole, with my soul tucked inside that net.

I never thought the net can break this easily.

Few hours ago, a piece of information came to me, which destroyed my years of work, failed my time working on that dream. It is not that it shattered because I didn’t make it strong, but the dream is found on the compliment of that particular information. It was somewhat like an anit-matter annihilation.

I pondered on the fact the I am an incompetent impaired specimen for Natural Selection

I don’t like regretting! Groping for the shards of that dream in the pitch black of night, it drove me to some mental NULL point, made me numb, unable of thoughts. I pondered on the fact the I am an incompetent impaired specimen for Natural Selection. I kept on copying the worse than ever Engineering Workshop Notebook, with insects getting all over my body, as there was the only light in the neighborhood. I was so numb I didn’t notice them at all. When I did notice, I just jerked the little guys off.

I am not sure if it is right, but I am trying to start a new dream to work on.

Animation and Perfection

One very good friend of mine is is learning how animate stuff. That is his trade in academia. His devotion to his subject, makes me jealous. He devotes himself to his subject, like he is the subject. When he draws, it seems that the pencil somehow exactly reproducing what he wants from it. Some perfection I rarely see. He uses his pencil like a second arm.

Some friend of mine just jerk off the word perfection, they just keep saying something like nothing is perfect, so bothering about perfection has no meaning at all. I think perfection is; what we can do, compared to what we want ourselves to do or what other people can do, or what is possible for us to do. And this friend of mine just proved me correct. He is obsessed with perfection. I am not saying he is one of the rarest people who can draw like GOD, but he is one of them who likes to become perfect.

I liked to flaunt my obsession about perfection in my trade, where I play (Unlike HIM). It was a bug in my character. Flaunting perfection might lead to conflicts of many kind. And that will fade obsession. When obsession is faded, then there is no perfection, no uniqueness; And then how can one define himself, to him, to his conscience, to the Universe.

Perfection and obsession are so intermingled!

Another tribute to perfection, Richard Williams’ animation. Enjoy!

She was looking Beautiful

I am pretty sure that her hair was not like that when she entered the classroom. She did tuned her hair a bit later today. And the tweak was awesome. I spent time in the Canteen, observing her hair. It was beautiful and sleek. And she looked a lot different than she usually does. And she looked soooooooooooo BEAUTIFUL! Maybe that means I am in love. The best part is that she is getting lighter day by day. She doesn’t stay much gloomy these days like she used to. I am pretty sure she was, or is going through a hard time, though she doesn’t admit that. Still all these not going to change anything between me and her. But I am not depressed about that!

It was beautiful and sleek. And she looked a lot different than she usually does

Recently something is not going right, “MAN!PPL GTTNG ME WRNG!”. And that is having an effect on her as it appears. I don’t understand much stuff other than academics. I get confused these times! I think General Relativity is easier to understand.

I can LOVE, I am in LOVE and I will not cease to LOVE if a big EMP disrupts all digital systems

Whatever, I am happy! Oh Yeah! I can LOVE, I am in LOVE and I will not cease to LOVE if a big EMP disrupts all digital systems. Life is BEAUTIFUL! World is just AWESOME!

Humanity ROCKZ!

P.S. – If the person referred here is reading this … (Uncertain), and if my previous crush is reading this, she shouldn’t think I forgot about her…

Decades and dissapointments

Recently, I noticed that some people just don’t take me as I am. Few think I am a show off, few jealous of me because I am a bit radical. This is maybe because I projected myself a bit differently, or maybe it is an effect of a faulty educational system. Or it maybe both.

One very good friend of mine in college confirmed my doubts, that few students got me wrong. I am really really disappointed about this.

All I wanted is to share the little joys of the academics, and they thought I am a f**king “Show Off!”. I feel abused!

They hate if you’re clever and despise a fool / ‘Til you’re so **** crazy you can’t follow their rules – Working Class Hero, GreenDay

Whatever, I can’t let myself go. Can I? So I built my 1st “Hello World!” in Digital Systems. A NE555 astable clock, with a HCF4017BE Decade Counter I built a LED Shifter, 10LEDs. This circuit is my first out-of-brain circuit, but a easy one.

The far Green LED is the clock, and the faraway yellow is a Carry Output. And the 10 in between is actually the output of the counter.

I am no good video worker and I cannot shoot great videos. This one is crappy, but it can show you what I built. (And the background music is Ebb & Flow by Jason C. Cluts).

And one more fun thing I read from this months Scientific American issue,

Suddenly, as Schmidt cranked up the current flowing through the diode, a narrow beam of blue-violet light shot out of it. “Wow!” he thought. “I can finally graduate!”

Some people are so devoted to their work, and others don’t even know what they are really doing!