Observations and stuff!

I saw a toddler today, playing with a toy bulldozer, on the street. The bulldozer was in pretty good shape. It was great, colorful and whatever a toy would should be good at. But this boy was not in a good shape, otherwise he wouldn’t be playing with that on the street. I wish we had camera in our eyes so that I could photograph some instants of my life without seeking the camera. Maybe that is every photographers dream.

Few days age a friend of mine told me what a perfectionist she was once upon a time, and how she somewhat lost it (I don’t believe that). I was amazed by her story! She is such a skilled person! Just as I Love her, I started to feel sometimes that I might not be an appropriate person for her, she deserves someone lot better and complete that me who can actually Love her. Sometimes that makes me so unhappy, I wish I could be that perfect in my principles and ways, and in what I do that I could near her. But flaws in my character are so deep that I am still trying to make myself more complete after 20 years of spending Life! She is so nice and yet so perfect in her ways; I never seen anyone like her. Whatever, I am so lucky that I met her!

I started to programme AVR microcontrollers. It was really very FUN! My friends really liked that I think. I enjoyed the compliments. But I wish they were more interest in doing some programming first hand. You can see my first project here.

“People like us don’t change, we either stay sharp or get sloppy” – Rusty, Ocean’s Eleven. I liked this quote very much. After very bad good awesome cool encounters with Life, I am what I am.

Thoughts without conclusion and etc.

After a long time I am writing. Recently I have been experiencing some remarkable thoughts and events. I didn’t notice the events or thoughts starting it’s play or ending. I just had them, at the edges of consciousness.

1. Being myself! It became so apparent that I am me, and I cannot be someone else, I can never look into the universe with someone else’s eyes. I have to be me for the rest of my finite life. As child I often wondered how someone else was seeing something. Maybe it was just a more mature version.
2. I kept seeing programs, solving simple programming tasks. Sometimes the programming was getting related to Life, classes and objects related to reality! Something like Songs in Code.
3. I saw the dresses changing, changing without meaning. Colours of houses changing.
4. Duet of thoughts: I am in Love, I should not be in Love!
5. Saw a book full of poems or programs.
6. Wouldn’t it be great if she felt Love for me!?
7. How can all the Girl I felt Love for  didn’t feel anything special about me? Do I have to clear an ELT (Eligibility for Love Test)?
8. I saw a desert made of snow, with distant mountains, I thought I saw Kamet there.
9. I was playing a Guitar and a Piano.
10. I fell in LOVE! I was drowning until I went to sleep.
11. I noticed tears on my cheek.
12. I was handling a DSLR, taking photos randomly.
13. Entropy was going backwards, with a Guitar String.
14. I was like Clint Eastwood in The Good The Bad and The Ugly.
15. I was designing a fully fledged PC motherboard in some EDA software, which could read my thoughts route through multiple layers.

Silent Appreciation of Beauty

Some people like me think that giving too much attention to girls is not good, unlikely for a Geek. If a Geek is involved in observing a woman, how can he get on getting time for one of his megaprojects. This seems to be a very plausible explanation why Geeks shouldn’t fall in Love with manly beauty.

But what if a Geek doesn’t have a Megaproject in mind, like me?

Yeah! Then the woman becomes the megaMegaMEGAproject! Actually I ‘fell in love’ (Hypothetically), crushed (According to semi urban/urban lexicon) on a woman, who according to the ‘previous’ me is the most unique and woman I ever met. She has a subtle beauty.

I have been unknowingly becoming a kinda Study Man, who likes to study a lot! But with that, I was having a growing sense of a void. When I saw that little woman in ‘Saree’ yesterday, the void suddenly filled with strange  happiness, or it was numbness, I don’t know.

Yesterday was a fresher welcome party. She was there, directly involved in the event, wandering here and there on the stage, with some gifts and other stuff. Some white Saree she was wearing, which made her … (I don’t think my words are good enough to describe how she was yesterday). She also sang a song, in which she is really good at. It was a chorus unfortunately, and I strained my ears to almost it’s limits, to isolate her voice from the whole. But they were so perfectly synchronized I couldn’t really isolate them. I loved that she sang, I saw her singing in mild colourful light on stage. I missed a solo song she sang on our ‘Teacher’s Day’ last year. I regret that!

Later when the program was over, I wanted to meet her to make an appreciation of her beauty. But I didn’t… I silently appreciated her beauty.

Change You Mind

All these good times!

The recent fever is actually helped me. It gave me some time in bed, alone with me, awake.

Most of the time I though about women, two in particular. I found something new…

When I was younger, I tried to use Bayesian probability theories to predict if some girl would like me or not. Ironically probability was never 1, and no Girl ever thought that I was cool enough to hang out with. Most of the prediction models were based on very simple logic that is sometimes used by ‘Love Guru’s, which I listened to carefully, just to make up some mathematical probability model for Hooking up. It makes me laugh these days, although I did get a pretty good understanding of probability and statistical data visualization.

I have had enough crushes, not enough for making a mathematical model, but still enough to predict time evolution of the next one.

I have had enough crushes, not enough for making a mathematical model, but still enough to predict time evolution of the next one.

During the fever I had a very very different kind of model to make. I never thought I gad to face such a thing. It is the most strangest model I ever had to try to build. I crushed to two, they overlapped on time frame. Though my ‘exceptional’ previous experience say that none of them likes me; That’s 100% sure (Deep inside my heart, I do hope for the opposite… XD). But what should what would I do if I had to choose between them. That was my latest brush with probability, after all the probability studies in college.

But is has a flip side, just as we don’t have such an advanced alien mathematics, I can have a good time, dreaming great dreams and live a life so thrilling!

My recent studies about human evolution and how can it explain our choice or partners were not really helpful at all. I cannot blame the scientists for that. The society is too much complex for traditional logical and reasoning techniques. I think we need some new more efficient mathematics for this. But is has a flip side, just as we don’t have such an advanced alien mathematics, I can have a good time, dreaming great dreams and live a life so thrilling!

She was looking Beautiful

I am pretty sure that her hair was not like that when she entered the classroom. She did tuned her hair a bit later today. And the tweak was awesome. I spent time in the Canteen, observing her hair. It was beautiful and sleek. And she looked a lot different than she usually does. And she looked soooooooooooo BEAUTIFUL! Maybe that means I am in love. The best part is that she is getting lighter day by day. She doesn’t stay much gloomy these days like she used to. I am pretty sure she was, or is going through a hard time, though she doesn’t admit that. Still all these not going to change anything between me and her. But I am not depressed about that!

It was beautiful and sleek. And she looked a lot different than she usually does

Recently something is not going right, “MAN!PPL GTTNG ME WRNG!”. And that is having an effect on her as it appears. I don’t understand much stuff other than academics. I get confused these times! I think General Relativity is easier to understand.

I can LOVE, I am in LOVE and I will not cease to LOVE if a big EMP disrupts all digital systems

Whatever, I am happy! Oh Yeah! I can LOVE, I am in LOVE and I will not cease to LOVE if a big EMP disrupts all digital systems. Life is BEAUTIFUL! World is just AWESOME!

Humanity ROCKZ!

P.S. – If the person referred here is reading this … (Uncertain), and if my previous crush is reading this, she shouldn’t think I forgot about her…

Bedsheets

Since I understood what if meant to be a child, and a what differs me from the grown ups, I considered bedsheets as an integral art of my life. I still do.

For me bedsheets induces different types of sleep (The pillow and mattress under the bed sheet also has some effect on the sleep). The soft roughness of a new bedsheets are very enjoyable. Especially, if it is summer, and the new bed sheet is entirely made of cotton. And, in winters, soft velvety bedsheets are awesome. There are also some dreamy bedsheets, which is especially good in winters, made mostly out of synthetic cotton. There are nightmarish bedsheets also, which induce nightmare. They are effective in hot tropical summer, and often in winters.

It is summer now; And I will be discussing more elaborately on summer bedsheets. My bed, consists many features, some are good, some are bad. The good thing is that it has a nice soft mattress, and the bad thing is, it always is full of dust (And I am lethargic enough for not to get up once I have laid down and dust my bed sheet).

I have studied a lot of bedsheets, I do more in summers, as it is hot here in summer, and I don´t fall asleep very quickly. Some bed sheet induce intellectual and scientific thoughts. And those are made of rough and think fabric. Some bedsheets re very romantic. While lying on those, I can´t stop thinking about a particular girl. These bedsheets moderately induce sleep. A very special property these bedsheets have; any increment in romantic thought reduces sleep exponentially. There are sorrowful bedsheets also, upon which, if I lie, my negative thoughts and sorrow dominates. These bedsheets is really good for sleep, and these rejuvenate me for a new challenge next morning. These bedsheets have distinct abstract geometric pattern printed on them. Very interesting! Yesterday night I discovered a completely new type of bed sheet. The bed sheet had a very special property. It induced a distinct emotional storm, unlike any other I had before. It was a composite of love, hate, anger and sorrow. For the very first time, I suddenly thought if the girl I love is in love with someone else. I haven´t met her for a long time, and we don´t talk much. The easter wishes on the cartoony bed sheet somehow made me think about such a matter. I got angry. My anger was on the distance between us, on the stinking social barrier that prevents me from expressing my feelings, on the reason why I am not attractive, and on my fears and failures. I began to cry, tears of anger ran down. I was afraid of losing her (though I don´t have her!). And my hero was shouting at me, telling me to be strong. It feels strange when there is a calm dilemma. One side was telling me to cry for her, and the other side was telling me to be ruthless enough to leave everything behind, and moving on. My heart was drying up.

There is a dialog from the movie ‘On the line’ – ‘Love may not make the world spin, but it is what makes the ride worthwhile’. This particular dialog was very essential that night. As they say it ‘Hope springs eternal’. I don’t know whether she reads my blog; I can hope that she reads. That’s all I could do to prevent my heart from drying up.

Heart, Hope and the Firefly

It was about her; a childish show off. But what I didn’t anticipate is that when serious business gets mixed up with such show off, it might get disastrous. My physics exam was all about a show off. But, while in that exam hall, when I was stuck in a very easy problem, I didn’t looked at the mistake, I was thinking, “Why can’t I solve this easy problem? How am I gonna perform before her?” I got tensed and hot. I lost my calm mind. I did bad.

My teacher expects a good marks in physics from me. He told me that last day that I have to get a eighty percent. While I was entering the exam halls, I thought about that particular sentence; I must get a eighty percent. He hoped that best for me. But I have failed him.

Last night, while I was lying in the dark, the ambient light of the night sky peeking through that hazy glass windows; I was sad until I saw a yellow flash. The flash from the small body of a firefly. It forced me to turn back. I was staring at the blinking fire flying around me. It was showing me light.

Metaphor and the boy

 The photons getting diverted while going through the small droplets. The refraction casting translucent shadows below the droplet on the soft petal of the rose.

The red river flowing in high speed though the cylindrical locus casting strong pressure on the ground beneath and above it. Blood getting divided when the river breaks up into two.

The massive structure of calcium phosphate, with complexity moving in a periodic motion. The large induced oscillation pendulums helping it’s locomotion. The protiens over it acting like sheath holding the whole structure together. The boy running on naked feet on naked field.

He is trying to get a rose to his girlfriend. Every morning somebody picks up the roses before him. This day, he woke up early, just to get to the rose.

The undeterred confessions of a broken heart…

Two of them were walking along the pavement. Both were in light mood. It was almost twilight, the street was almost, except a car a minute. They were talking vivaciously about thermodynamics. They both liked the way it was, empty streets are perfect for talking about such subjects. “Entropy is a parameter which increases when a system goes to a state of higher probability” The other replied, “I can’t get it, explain”.

“Well, when a system…”, he suddenly pauses.

“What’s the matter?”, he asked, looking at his companion. His companions eyes were fixed on the couple walking a bit far away from them. The girl seemed beautiful from behind. She wore a short sleeved salwar and a jeans. Her hands seemed to be crafted by an artist, her legs seemed to in perfect harmony with each other. She got a ponytail hair. It was swinging gracefully as she walked. The gently gust of wind was agitating her salwar. Her shoulders seemed to be in a perfect geometry, which were oscillating in a subtle frequency as she walked. Her curves were attractive, as if the Golden Ratio was implied upon them. The boy beside him was pretty much ordinary, wore a trouser and a shirt. Their hands was rubbing each other; they were walking side by side.

“Isn’t she beautiful?!”, one of them just spoke out of a trance.

“Who, the girl?”

“Who else!”

“Why she? I mean there are lot other beautiful in the town, why did she attracted you? Something fishy, eh?”, the other said in a ‘making fun’ tone.

“No, nothing is fishy”, he said calmly.

“Some thing’s wrong buddy, do you know her?”, seriously this time.

“I don’t only know her!”

“You mean…?”, they understood each other very clearly.

“Yup, from the first time I saw her. But I was waiting for a perfect day, when I could expose my love to her, when I could really convince her that I really love her. You know, I really love her.”

“I get it.”

“Have you ever fallen in love?”

“Nope”

“Then you cannot get it!”

“Why?”

“When you love someone with all your heart, and expect a bit of a passion from that person, and find out that she doesn’t even like you; it feels awfully bad.”

“Oh, you mean, you told her something.”

“No, she somehow anticipated me.”

“Ya, girls are a hell lot aware than we are.”

“and when she knew that I love her, she told one of her friend, that she doesn’t even want to talk with me, she said I am disturbing her.”

“Leave her, buddy, you have better things to do. What does she knows about you?”

“Nothing.”

“That is why she was able to ignore you like that.”

He gave a profound smile. His friend asked, “Why are you smiling?”

“I can’t leave her.”

“Why?”

“Because… if I leave her, if I stop loving her, I will fall from my ideal. I will love her endlessly, until I die.”

“Be logical! She will never love you, then what will you get from your love?!”

“Nothing”, he smiled again, “but I am sure one day she will realize that someone had truly loved her”

“Damn that ‘one day’”

The other smiled again, his eyes shone with some inner fire,”It’s my life! If fate wants a challenge, I will give one, I will stay undeterred, I will be unbreakable.”