Again, I am going to blow this thing out. I recently read in Scientific American that Blogging has it’s own therapeutic values. “Great”, I think. I am receiving that therapy pretty easily, without knowing. I think I learn from experience, I really cannot learn from somebody, if only he tells me that. I realize now; standing on the edge of breaking myself, I have to play harder, I had to play harder! I didn’t. And, the net result, “A very important person lost trust in me…”, I don’t blame him of course, I cannot, as it was me who couldn’t qualify in IITJEE. And now when I just shout out “I going for SAT”, obviously most of the people will consider me MAD. Maybe I am MAD, but I know that I learned, though a bit late. I really learned from life. I visited IACS for a summer school, there they reignited my soul for science; and now after the declaration of the results, I am lost again. They are saying, “You have be a good academic to get a considerable position in Science, and your past academics is really dull”. I know that, but I cannot tell them that I learned. If I am all wrong, that I didn’t learn this time too, then what is the meaning of life to me. I need not to live anymore, as I will never learn, I will go down down and down, and ultimately… and if this is the situation, then I can try the hard way, I am in no hurry for dying!
I am getting a bit depressed I think. And I really am very very confused, blogging a kind of precious hobby to me, I just cherish the thought that someone will read, and give me some words of wisdom.
And amidst all these thoughts, the girl is fading away, just as Physics is fading aways from my life, my mind and my soul. Both of those entities are important to me, Physics and SHE, BOTH! But both are getting out of my hands, I cannot impress her, I cannot do physics. What am I worth? Dammit!?