Jumble

I am not really stable right now. It’s paining. It’s paining a lot in the chest. It’s the very emotion that makes you cry, can give you immense pain, that you may want to die. Well, that’s what happening to me sometimes, but don’t worry, I am not suicidal. I am just working, working on learning from the memories what really happened. It’s something physicists do also, like they study that cosmic background microwave radiation, and prepare their theories accordingly.

Amidst the jumble of thought, her memories seem to exaggerate itself many folds. It’s like having a music played very loud. I can’t keep her out of my mind. And I would definitely ask her, “Why did you put me through this? Just because you went through this stage, doesn’t mean I have to go through this stage too. Is it?”

She just smashed my heart, and the moments I had with her is unforgettable. But I cannot make up a notion of LOVE right now. If I do I might end up hurting someone else just like she did to me. I cannot really do that, can I? It’s very obvious there are few ways to get over her, one is to think of her as a bad character, or think that LOVE is nothing at all. Both are deadly, in fact, both can destroy a chance of a good life; So I cannot do that. I cannot really decide what to do with the Love that I have inside me right now, because it is said that never decide in Anger.

I am not saying I am angry with her, no one is. I just want to ask “Why?”

It’s true that emotional turbulence has no effect on universe, thus how much I think of her, doesn’t really matter. She won’t even know that I having so much pain because of her. But the best way to work on it is to get over. Unless I get over, I can never really love again. But we all need to love, don’t we? Maybe even if she knows, she will act like a she didn’t notice.

I just want my emotions to be ripped off my mind if possible. Can anyone do that? Can anyone reprogram me. Please, I just don’t wish to be like this. Not anymore.

I know, she told me, that she went through this phase too, where’s justice in putting me through this? Where? People who went to situations doesn’t want others to face the same. That’s the way civilization gets more civilized.

Whatever, she won’t even read this. She is just a fool who is confused. I won’t say that she is trying to improver her situation, she is just pondering over the past. I tried to help her, she didn’t even realize that. Her friend say, “She is happy, let her be alone”

I can let her be alone, but then what was all that racket. She said, “Sorry for all that” What is this?

Impractically speaking, my paragraphs are getting short because I cannot write what I have in my mind, but still I am trying to write. Ironic, isn’t it?

They say, blogging has therapeutic values, I see some of it. As I write I can only hope that my mind will get more stable, and I will be able to study for the semester exams that I have.

Practically speaking, I am pretty alone. I don’t have people to talk to, though I need to talk to people. It’s just painful to see a person gone. I wrapped my life around her, and now she is gone! “STOP SAYING FUCKING SORRY! You are not sorry at all. You are bothered about that past of yours” That’s for her. If she reads this (Never in a million years), I will also tell her, “Sorry, I just went unstable”

I am made to act on logic. But this case, it is different. My mind cannot get stable, it’s oscillating between objectives and philosophies. I made a promise not to talk with her unless she wants to, but I myself broke that promise. Boy, I am weak! I feel sorry for myself, and her too, for her sorry state of not being able to love anyone.

It’s the fundamental facts of life, that is making me live, but I lost one dream I had, to make her happy. I never really had a strong dream, because my dreams changed too much. This one was different. This one was really different. I need to cry, but I cannot. If I do, people will start asking questions, and I really don’t want to answer them. Not until I can lover her, or someone else.

Now imagine yourself in so much pain, and you cannot even fucking cry! I am in a sorry state, and she is watching me burn. Watching me burning to the ground. Why did she do it? I would only ask her this. Why?

I know she would answer, “I am sorry if I ever made you believe that I loved you too” Sorry? Right? Sorry? That’s the only word she got! I am fucking dying here! And she is sorry?

I couldn’t help but notice that she did almost exactly that guy did to her few years ago. Strange, isn’t it? Keeping that in my, I can infer that I might to the same to someone else, and then that someone else to someone else. It’s like an infectious disease. And I cannot do that. She didn’t notice that she was infected and she did infect me, but as I noticed, I cannot make it spread, can I? It’s a basic responsibility I have towards society.

I think I know, why people commit suicide. Why people get addicted to stuff. I don’t think most people who are addicted got addicted by choice. Maybe it was the only way to release them from the pain they had. I have been doing some research on hallucinogens and sedatives, and was thinking about some solutions that I have. Adding sedatives can actually make me sleep more, thus less pain, but that might become the only to way to sleep after some time. Then there are hallucinogens, they are really really cool, they can actually make me forget about her, but also they have side effects, hallucinations are not good at all.

Real men don’t cry, but men are not born, they are made. Maybe I am just a whinny, who needs to be straight.

Man! WHY CANNOT YOU REPROGRAM MY BRAIN? CANNOT YOU FIND THIS EMOTION CENTRE OF MINE? IF YOU CAN, WHY DON’T YOU JUST PUT A CHARGE AND DESTROY IT? WHY CANNOT YOU JUST MAKE A MISTAKE AND DESTROY EVERYTHING IN MY BRAIN? ESPECIALLY MEMORIES, I WON”T MIND SPENDING MY LIFE IN AN ASYLUM, BECAUSE WHEN I LOSE MY MIND, I CANNOT EVEN  MIND.

I want to scream. Suggest some places for me. I just want to scream.

Please, please, please, give me a reason. A reason to live.

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