Notes from warzone…

I am still struggling to get my miserable life together. It is shattered. It’s very absurd though. It’s like I am sad for such a petty reason.

Fate played a very dirty game with me. It didn’t give me time to react, time to understand. It made me what I am, and then it beat me down and fucked me over and over for that very reason. This was not good. This is unfair.  I will beat it hard, I will kick it so hard it will beg for mercy.

Every morning I wake up and I think of her. And it hurts like hell. I remind myself that it has nothing to do with her, it is just this fucking fate of mine. I will have my revenge. Fate will regret it.

My mother keeps scolding my for mistakes that I make in my day-to-day life. But she never does realize that I have a bigger problem, and I could use a shoulder to cry on. My Father is very busy with his job and watching birds. I like him. Maybe I never did tell my mother what I am actually going through. She is too busy working out other problems.

On my way to rediscover myself, I discovered fate is kinda unkind. I wish to show this middle finger to it.

Surprisingly I cannot get relief, no matter where ever I go.

I wish she didn’t spit her pity on my soul. I lost all her respect in these months. I don’t think she will ever come back, like she would have done if all I didn’t do what I did a few months earlier. I am just  a whiner, a loser. I couldn’t handler her even if she stayed.

I wrote a line,

“ভেঙ্গে যাওয়া জীবন গুলে লিখছি আলোয় ফেরার মহাকাব্য”

আমি কয়েক দিন ধরেই বাংলার প্রতি একটা আকর্ষণ অনুভব করছি।

জানি না কেন, কিন্তু আমার রাগ অনেক বেড়ে গেছে। আমি আগের থেকে অনেক তাড়াতাড়ি রেগে যাই।

I like these lines by Eddie Vedder, Long Nights. “Have no fear/For when I’m alone/I’ll be better off than I was before”

I feel alone. But I am not sure if I really am. If I could be sure whether I am alone, I would definitely become fearless. It’s no use being afraid when I am alone.

It’s about time I really should change. এবার আমায় আটকানোর কেউ নেই। আমি যে একা। আমি আলোয় ফিরছি। এটা আমার মহাকাব্য!

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