It’s been a long time since my last post. I was really ‘not’ busy these day, provided ‘being-busy-with-productive-stuff’. Speaking rationally, I am suffering from a very common type of disorder, which I lovingly named “Chronic depression disorder”. Now, there is a contradiction. When I feel lonely I start thinking about her, and when I think about her I feel lonely. I am not sure if it is only a feedback system that perpetually fuels itself of rather a cycling process. I rarely realize the beginning of chronic depression attacks, so it’s impossible for me to distinguish whether loneliness is the reason or the effect.
I said this disorder is common because people always keep saying, if you have a broken heart, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are alone as there are many brokenhearted people out there. I don’t know statistically how common it is, but as people say it all the time when they try to console a broken heart, as assume it’s pretty common. Please forgive me for making a statement without proper scientific observation.
Now coming to something more humane, emotions. By the way, while writing this post, I am having one of these depression attacks.
While I try to be rational about her, strange logic arise that just explain what is happening, but the theory just don’t stand the test of time. I devised multiple theories to explain ‘what happened?’ and I found all of them partially correct, but I cannot merge them, because they are somewhat contradictory. My brain is used to developing theories, generalized equations that can explain and predict scenarios. What I fear is; What if all the theory making system is basically my subconscious attempt to console myself. If it is, I should be worried about another disorder: ‘Theory making disorder’.
Coming to something called Love; There is a friend of mine, who had his heart broken twice and he doesn’t really believe in something called Love. I also agree to it. Love is nothing but some chemical mumbo jumbo being expressed in terms of social interaction which was actually developed by Evolution to help human race survive. But I disagree to believe that a human being (normal) can live without Love. It’s hardwired into the system you cannot rip it off, and moreover, if Evolution gave it to you to help you survive, why ignore it? Why ignore something that took billions of year to develop. Please do not misunderstand me by thinking that I think Evolution is some person (or God’s hand) giving us stuff; It’s just characterization of something that is, no big deal.
That is why I came to believe that I have to risk it, and it’s worth the risk. I have to risk Love without being afraid of heartbreak. Something which she was unable to do so. She could not risk it again. Now, I am trying to explain that to her, and I believe she is not going to understand. That’s how girls are I think, and she has a very strange type of pessimism (I hate that).
There is another possibility that all these months of proximity actually got me addicted to Love. And like any other addiction, I have to get to it not matter what, or I will lose sanity. If this is the reason, I need to understand the nature of addiction and how brain functions relate to it.
Thanks a lot to her, I am learning so much and I believe I am getting stronger. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right? Though heartbreak did kill me almost once. Talking about the pain caused, only thing I can say is that pain is exclusively meant for self preservation. If that’s true, I should have been numb about all these.
Apart from learning all about myself, I am having problems getting on with my studies. Depression attacks are getting frequent and I am unable to read a word. I am afraid I am destroying what I had for myself.
This is why I am trying to resort to something called faith. Not in God though, faith in her. This makes the most sense than anything I do right now.