I was watching…

She couldn’t spare a stare for me, let alone smile.

I kept on watching her dance. I kept seeing her in the crowd, checking on her, her movements, her fine dance-time choreography. I wish I could dance with her. How could I? I could not dance, I was not in the mood, I just felt lonely. It was rock-and-roll all over, and I was blank. It didn’t stimulate me. I was amazed being so numb, I lost all the feeling for the music. All I can say, “The Music was nice”. I went out, had a cigarette, hoped it would liberate this mind of mine, but it didn’t. I tried so hard not to be sad, people were asking me what happened, I could only say, “কিছু হয়নি!”

If I ask someone did I deserve all the pain, everyone agrees that I don’t. If I ask why this thing happening loads of theories come up, and I don’t like any of them.

She did lots of stuff I liked. She doesn’t do those anymore and all I can do is I wish that she still did. Practically she doesn’t really like me. How can she? A wimpy kid like me doesn’t deserve it. Or rather someone as sarcastic as me doesn’t deserve it. When I look back and recall exactly those thing which she denied, I just go numb. It’s just Love and that is all there is left in me. And it is not letting me hate. If I could only hate, life would become so easy for me. But I am just the way I am, and I feel like crying is the only good thing I can do. I put everything to go normal, but it all comes back eventually. And it’s sorrow all over my fucking life!

My Father says I should bury all the memories and wait, and if I cannot wait, I am not strong enough and she is gone for good. She would say, “Yeah it’s all right, I also faced the same situation.” Maybe she did, but how does that qualify me as a similar candidate?

I was returning, and her hair was on my face. I missed that a long long time. I enjoyed being with her. I enjoyed being beside her physically. I don’t know if she really wants me close to her heart. I don’t think she does anymore. It feels that she doesn’t enjoy being with me. And sometimes she just torments me just by reminding me that, and maybe she doesn’t realize that she is tormenting. I do believe that she did love me once and that’s all I have to hold on to.

In words of Dream Theater,

So I wither and render myself helpless
I give in and everything is clear
I breakdown and let the story guide me

Sometimes I feel I am just becoming a clown to my peers. It’s like getting beaten up over and over again and smiling and saying “beat me again”. Makes me laugh at myself. Sometimes a clown like me should just have memories to hold on to.

Even if I had bigger problems, could I be stable, could I forget her? I don’t think so. I tried that before.

And sometimes, when I say so many bad things to her, I just feel cutting myself off with a knife under all the pressure of guilt.

Summary: I am losing sanity. I am going crazy!

Solution: Only if I had one…


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