Worried… a lot

I am worried. It’s convoluted. Apparently I have no control over the situation. I am ruining my engineering major. I cannot find a place comfortable enough. I don’t have a person with whom I can just talk to my heart’s out. The person I trusted is not really into me anymore.

My mother keeps being hard, rather than understanding the situation my way, and she, well, she just keeps being sweet. She was the first one to question my reliability, and now my family is failing to trust me on serious stuff (on those stuff which were no big deal before). Summed up, I have no comfort zone.

Even she had her family trying to comfort her all the time. Me? huh! Scoldings just got more frequent and more pinching than before. Strangely scoldings are focused on those points that are related to my rejection.

Maybe I am too foolish to remind her stuff that might just make her think about Love. Or maybe I am just talking to a stone. Everyday I keep finding stuff that I can tell her, and remind her that I have enough reason to believe that we were truly in Love. Sometimes, when many of these accumulate, I explode. I really should control that, and try to ignore everything that can be reminded to her.

When I am in company of my friends, I am soothed by the mental diversions. These days, even those are getting less frequent. When I am alone, I wish if I could just go numb at will. Metaphorically it’s like burning and not but not dying.

I am really worried that things are going this way. For the first time I am afraid of losing sanity.

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