Something for a change…

I have been trying to get out of these thoughts. These days I am trying out wireless mesh networks. Before that I have been trying photography, design stuff, study etc. None worked so far, and these days wireless mesh networks doesn’t appear to be working either.

I find some very crucial changes happening in me. I am having trouble controlling emotions. Like when I am even mildly opposed, I fire up. And this is very noticeable because I was fundamentally cooler than I am now. I cannot really assess the situation like I used to do so when I was a better man. It’s like “fire up first, think later”. Maybe it’s because in my subconscious I start to feel that I am a victim of unjust.

Even if everything was a misunderstanding, I am definitely having trouble assimilating it. It is because I have some strong emotions for her. Most of my brain activity surrounds experiences with her. She says, “Think about something else when such things happen”. Doesn’t she know that trying to remove a thought is the way to make the thought stronger in mind? I cannot really make it clear to her. Avoidance is making the thing more malignant.

If you are someone like me, you should thank my brother for pointing two things out. What should matter to you is you, and trying to remove a thought is the worst way to remove it, and the best way to make it stick in your mind. If you are actually having a heartbreak, you should take it as a rebirth.

Heartbreak is not always about Love. Maybe it’s something we mostly associate with Love, separation, rejection etc but it doesn’t describe the true definition of the word. Heartbreak can also occur when you not get a scholarship. Heartbreak can also occur when don’t get good grades in exams. Heartbreak can occur everywhere where you put your heart. I personally can easily deal with the ‘other’ heartbreaks because even if I put a lot of heart, a lot of rationale went there too.

When it came to something called, “Love”, I didn’t like to put rational armor over my heart. It’s a thrill to fall in Love and seeing the significant half happy. It’s almost comparable to a thrill of climbing a rock wall and spending a few minutes alone on the top. It’s not very rational to climb a rock wall too.

If your pain is strong enough, you will probably think about the reasons why you should live on and keep fighting. After a few months I am still fighting to get it off, or get it through. And I know it’s painful. But after your dreams are shattered, erased, dead, your composure crumbling down, falling apart and the very reason you decided to live strong died, you are probably a cup full of sorrow, and it’s overflowing. As the cup is overflowing, you try to make it better by stopping the overflow, spilling a little sorrow at a time. What you don’t realize is that emptying the cup will buy you more time before the next overflow and you will be able to do something in between that will help you stop in the flow of sorrow.

According to a friend of mine, it’s a real growth opportunity. You are new. You might bring something from distant past, or you start something new. Aftermath of heartbreak is a very good time to rediscover self, passions etc.

I got passionate in helping her. And now I am just trying to get into her and helping her. This passion is making the transition a little smoother. Other passions I am discovering, I will maybe talk about those later. 🙂


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