Under uneven pressure

It’s getting worse, this confusion about life. It is simple. It’s around a question, “What to do with my life?”. And it’s like layers, mounting up. While writing this post, I decided to break up the problem, and make a symbiotic cycle of solving a problem while blogging.

It me. It’s my shitty confidence. I am confident enough when it comes to acquiring skills, undertaking personal projects etc. But when it comes to other people, or backing up myself as a professional I am stumbling and fumbling.

Firstly, I am a procrastinator, and when procrastination is combined with an absent mind, it is a virus, killing it’s victim slowly. Immediately I cannot fix it. Procrastination is something deep inside me and I am absent mind because most of the time I think about this confusion itself.

Secondly, seldom my parents kick-start a cycle of fear by saying things to me, actually to propell me through my career (to be precise academics), which from their part is quite natural. Everyone wants to be sure about their children. It’s something that is un-fixable. But they could use a little subtler method to propell me as these kicks are actually throwing me more into confusion. Now I can also ignore their advise, but that’s not ethical and I don’t have enough confidence to do so.

Thirdly, I believe in satisfaction. I need to do something in my life, with which I can live with through my life. Now I have a quite wide array of interests, which actually contributes a lot into the confusion. The wide array also giving me trouble choosing one. But the worst part about this problem is having the provisions to change is expensive (in terms of confidence and finance).

Fourthly, I hate this academic system, and my hatred is rendered in poor academic performances. It’s this much unfortunate I am, being an engineering student, I am given to multiply matrix in classroom.

There is irony too. It’s my intellectual culture which doesn’t allow me to land in a tasteless job of writing lines code, or writing up ‘Help’ for software. But this intellectual culture is not allowing me to gather myself up and find out what’s best for me. And this confidence of mine is totally ‘out of place’ with my intellectual culture. Always having safe avenue in life is good for taking risks, but life = risk. Sometimes I feel like I am not taking enough risk to get up from this shitty situation.You gotta jump!

Those are just a few superficial reasons I can gather up. Now when I look to myself, I see that I have skills. I can acquire skills pretty fast (relating to design and engineering stuff). I do regular research on industry trends, I practice stuff. I explore new creative avenues. I can think of a technical solution of almost any problem or break up the problem into sizable bits instantly. I can sense technology. I can sense design elements. I am industry ready as far as a fresh college graduate can be. Still I am confused and scared as hell, like that Greenday lyric, “When you can’t really function, you are so full of fear”. There is a Guy I know who wrote something like “Having impossible beliefs which gets the boy through the day”. I liked that part. It’s all coming down to having faith.

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