Right now I am trying to let it out, by crying the hell out of me. I notice I cannot even cry like I used to.
Self respect, according to common notion I don’t have any. A fickle heart is what I have, and it feels like a curse. A fussy collection of principles is what I am made of. It would be wrong if I say I am good for nothing, no-one, nobody and not even for neverland, but tonight I believe I am. If I had all these a thoughts few hours ago, I would say to myself ‘I can do this this and this; LIKE A BOSS’. But not now, not tonight; I snapped tonight, like many other nights before. But today I snapped in the wake of this horrible realization. I am not crazy for anyone, I am not crazy for anything, any goal, any objective. I am just sad for everything, everyone. I am not obsessed with anything, I am just sad that I cannot attain anything. Perhaps I couldn’t hide it to my conscience anymore that I truly am a horribly miserable joke of genetic shuffles and randomness and the worst part of this, I cannot change it. Whenever I snap I think I will change, but in this circle I come back to where I started. ‘Don’t pray for eaiser life, pray for strength to endure a harder one’. Some lucky bloke said this. I am not like this bloke. Right now I am scared that I have to live like for the rest of my life. Shall I wait for a miracle? Or shall I keep up my over ambitious dreams and live on? Or shall I end my life?
Wait a min…
If I am a worthless meat ball consuming resources from this beautiful arc hovering in space, undeserving and incapable of sweet things such as love, success, happiness; How the hell did I become this big? How for the f**ck’s sake in my 22 years of existence I didn’t get to stay hungry for one single day? How did I even end up living with everything that’s needed to live? And how the f**k I get to hang out with other awesome human beings? And how did I even walk on this fearless planet with a sense of adevnture in my veins? HOW? It’s my parents, my friends, my masters, my bros. It is my life, my messy life, my relentlessly epic life. And you are damn right I am not giving up on my life! And being crazy? Yeah, it’s never too late.