It’s been a while I have been trying to smoke my last cigarette. The transition is slower than I thought but I will eventually do it. I will eventually break whatever my smoking habit I have left within.
But the purpose of the last cigarette was remarkable for me. My last cigarette was a celebration of the a silver lining, celebration of a hope. A hope of having a soothed heart and inspiring challenges that will push me to be a better man. As it turns out, inspiring challenges doesn’t really do well with a soothed & calm heart. At least not now. I do hope it turns out as like Alex Honnold stays completely at peace with the universe when he climbs bare rocks with only his chalk-bag and his climbing shoe. He says if you are getting a rush, that means something went terribly wrong.
What this is all about you may as well ask. My heart needs another one.
“And I’ve felt this emptiness before/ But all the times that I’ve been broken/ I still run right back for more” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry
Okay, I will just cut the crap. I want a girlfriend, otherwise I cannot handle this “falling in love” anymore. It’s been few times I have crashed. At time I feel like Santiago (read Alchemist), who never gives up faith. Maybe because I have pessimistic components inside me that works like this, or I am just a joke of genetic shuffles and randomness, I simply don’t seem to learn my lesson. I seem to have everything in place, and still then I don’t learn and I don’t get the soothing calmness in my heart. I keep falling in love over and over again and as per the past, it never went well.
“Tonight the sunset means so much/ The one thing that you know you’ll never touch/ Like the feeling, the real thing/ I reach out for that sweet dream/ But somehow the darkness wakes me up” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry
Sure it is painful and sometimes I really feel like “Why the f**k I don’t learn?”. But then again that doesn’t make me learn or that doesn’t soothe my hear. Though that doesn’t really satisfies my need of silver lining for the last cigarette.
I believe the woman I have fallen in love with will be my girlfriend pretty soon and after that I won’t need a f**king cigarette or a glass of vodka to drug me out of reality…
I have been believing this for a few years, since my first days at college, and sure it never went well, so obviously I have doubts on my beliefs, doubts on my own silver lining. But this is keeping me walking and I am pretty sure when I will have lost everything along the way I will be free, free to do anything. Or I might stumble upon some golden rock.
But in a way I playing my LIFE in legendary mode. Maybe this is my challenge, my path to salvation, my way of being awesome. Not all people will see awesomeness in sorrow, but I think I do. So my last cigarette goes to my awesome & sad & (really happy at times) life.