Not anymore…

Since I saw my friends’ blog post about OCD, I decided to look into OCD. It’s hard to describe what exactly is OCD unless you experience it like many other things. We all have a degree of OCD studies show.

But it’s life gets real hard when you have mental disease, and the strangely painful part of OCD is that once you are aware of OCD it feeds on that idea. And for me it’s very easy to believe right now that every problematic saddening thing I am experiencing is caused by my OCD, though I haven’t got expert advice, and I don’t really want to get psychological counselling. But probably I will need it, soon.

The real problem with a mental disease is that you cannot really overcome them with your mind, like a physical problem. It’s not “Mind over body”. It’s your mind that is in trouble. A redemption would be to get your “mind over substance”.

It’s hard to let go once a thought gets into a loop. If you were affected by OCD, it’s an obsession which you wouldn’t like after a while, and it will feed on your energy  killing you from inside, making you more pessimistic every moment, and probably it keeps going until you become a stone (I doubt anyone with OCD can ever become stone), or a grumpy old man full with hatred and misery.

It’s quite benevolent when it comes to Love. I don’t exactly know if my OCD is the cause of my exceptional Love for women but I fall in love real quick, very frequently and obviously slip, fall and crash. I question myself regarding the reason for my nature, and I don’t really get an answer. I never ever get an answer. NOT A SINGLE F**KING ANSWER! And if Love is holding this world together why it is so hard to find?????

It’s like climbing a rock wall, you suddenly start slipping slowly and you clamber for rock hold to keep to in place. That is exactly how it feels for me. I clamber of human contact, human connection, trust and affection, to hold me in place. I simply don’t know how to be pleased with myself. I have sustained enough, it must have been a by mental block now, every trauma related to Love. I should have changed…

“DON’T BE A PUSSY” I tell myself, over and over and over again.    

Long back after my first big crash, I chose not to change. Not to lose my heightened affection toward human connection and Love. I will not change, because of some lollipop. I will learn and I will rise one day…

 

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One comment on “Not anymore…

  1. Abhra says:

    This does not sound like OCD. 🙂

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