From Love to Bicycles

It’s been a while since I have been living in Bangalore. The occasional booze, smokes, weekend overtime-naps and movies/ series. That’s what my life in Bangalore was until very recently. Before going to that point, a little past chronicles. Back in Bengal,  my life was different. I had hangouts sitting on bamboo benches, smoking cigarettes besides the highways. For a few months I was visiting a science institute and was meeting, talking and idea-ting with girlfriend-less super geeks. I enjoyed time with people who is trying to have a girlfriend. I used to hide in my electronics workshop and built stuff to my heart’s content, and code till my brain yearned for a cigarette. I didn’t booze then.

Himalaya is a great place to discover your limits, or any mountain is. Every time I go to Himalayas, I discover something about myself. The last one was no exception. It was just before I came to Bangalore; A great Himalayan Hike.

That was the my life for a few years. Sometimes exciting, sometimes subtle. One thing remained unchanged though, I always was in Love with some girl who didn’t give a *beep* about me. The closest I got of having a girlfriend can be summarized in one sentence; She convinced me to stay in India and not going abroad for Masters study, and inevitably ditched me. During those post-ditch months, I always wished rain fell down on me and wash away my tears if not life. But I was lucky I got friends who pulled me out of the muck, pushed me on my bike and set me on the groove. After my first ditch-y experience I fell for few girls, everyone had their unique ability to shut down my brain processes except the hippo-campus. The good thing though about all these was that, however painful these may be, I always had friend to set me on to the groove again. After I came to Bangalore and started living alone (with room-mates), fell in Love head over heels and hit a titanium reinforced wall, I was forced to look deep down inside my life and my mind.

I figured that I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to a woman. To put it more clearly, it’s more cuddles and less sex. Then I tried to figure the invariant among all the women I fell in Love with. They all exhibited some curiosity to certain scientific disciplines. They all had affinity towards enjoying and making art. Everyone of them knew about the girl who came into my life before her (provided the set of girls I am dealing with are girls who came into my life after I stepped into traditional manhood).

Then I looked into other invariant related to girls and me; I told all of them that I liked them like hell before they knew that I started programming when I was 12 years old. Every time I told a girl that I liked her, all of my friends’ feedbacks were ‘Way too fast, Dude! You killed it!”. And the most important invariant is that I fell in Love with a girl as crazily as I did with the girl before her.

Even with all these in-variants, I couldn’t find the missing part of my life.

One awesome computer science teacher once said that before solving any (computational) problem you should always look for the invariant. My first weekends in Bangalore; I usually sulked over my awful girlfriend-less life and how girls don’t bother if I am dead or alive. After that brush with computation puzzles and invariant, I tried to shed some light on my own past. Invariant he said! And on one fateful morning, while writing a JavaScript snippet, I suddenly got the final invariant. With every girl I fell in Love with, I wanted to lay on their laps and let them stroke my hair while I told them the stories of my struggles in life; I always wanted them to pity me. Contrary to the usual beliefs and suggestions from my friends, such as, “be a macho”, “don’t show your emotions” etc. etc. I realized I was drowning in addiction of self-pity. It was not difficult to figure out that self-pity is the mother of all (material) addictions. I was shocked! I never realized I was broken that deep inside and it took me 20 years just to figure that out.

I immediately knew I had to go back to the basics. The dreams of excellence and success are heavy burden. On the other hand, the dreams of pushing beyond what I can do is scary. Going along with Zen wisdom, I chose the second dream, leaving the first one. It will take time till I get the hang of this new dream.

It’s quite apparent now that perks and nails will be there. I will always feel worthless and sad when she ignores me. I will always feel like flying when she smiles at me. I will always drop everything when she needs me. I will always make stuff for her just to make her smile.  I will always plan something grand for her birthday. I will always wait for her, just to walk a few steps with her. I will always admit that I need her in my life forever. But heck, I will never hide myself just to make her like me.

It’s been a while since I have been living in Bangalore. The week long programming, reading, eating and curating food (mostly pizzas) and weekend bicycling is what my life is all about these days. I am soon to get my electronics equipment in Bangalore and I will be able to make cool stuff. I am in Love with a girl who’s smile is the best in the world. She is very moody and sometimes confuses me. She is able to make me feel awesome about myself, and sometimes hellishly bad about myself. I am into her and I am still to figure if she will ever be into me. I take these awesome bicycles for rent. Each weekend I try out a different bike. Tomorrow I am going to try out a hybrid road bike. Last weekend I tried out a full suspension mountain bike. I hear the bicycling community in Bangalore is really great! I also sometimes skateboard on the streets at night. And I never forget to wish her a ‘Good morning’ and a ‘Good Night’.

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2 comments on “From Love to Bicycles

  1. Abhra says:

    The only bit of advice I can give you from long and hard-earned experience is, learn to not give a **** about having a girlfriend. You know what you are, and you know deep down what your self-worth is. That’s all that counts. Everything has a time, and it’s time will come. Delete it from your head and let time and life take care of it, because it’s none of your business.
    Take care 🙂

  2. rivalslayer says:

    That’s exactly what I am learning! Learning not to give a **** about having a girlfriend. It’s somewhat difficult than it appears though, but perfectly doable! 🙂

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