The Last Cigarette

It’s been a while I have been trying to smoke my last cigarette. The transition is slower than I thought but I will eventually do it. I will eventually break whatever my smoking habit I have left within.

But the purpose of the last cigarette was remarkable for me. My last cigarette was a celebration of the a silver lining, celebration of a hope. A hope of having a soothed heart and inspiring challenges that will push me to be a better man. As it turns out, inspiring challenges doesn’t really do well with a soothed & calm heart. At least not now. I do hope it turns out as like Alex Honnold stays completely at peace with the universe when he climbs bare rocks with only his chalk-bag and his climbing shoe. He says if you are getting a rush, that means something went terribly wrong.

What this is all about you may as well ask. My heart needs another one.

“And I’ve felt this emptiness before/ But all the times that I’ve been broken/ I still run right back for more” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Okay, I will just cut the crap. I want a girlfriend, otherwise I cannot handle this “falling in love” anymore. It’s been few times I have crashed. At time I feel like Santiago (read Alchemist), who never gives up faith. Maybe because I have pessimistic components inside me that works like this, or I am just a joke of genetic shuffles and randomness, I simply don’t seem to learn my lesson. I seem to have everything in place, and still then I don’t learn and I don’t get the soothing calmness in my heart. I keep falling in love over and over again and as per the past, it never went well.

“Tonight the sunset means so much/ The one thing that you know you’ll never touch/ Like the feeling, the real thing/ I reach out for that sweet dream/ But somehow the darkness wakes me up” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Sure it is painful and sometimes I really feel like “Why the f**k I don’t learn?”. But then again that doesn’t make me learn or that doesn’t soothe my hear. Though that doesn’t really satisfies my need of silver lining for the last cigarette.

I believe the woman I  have fallen in love with will be my girlfriend pretty soon and after that I won’t need a f**king cigarette or a glass of vodka to drug me out of reality…

I have been believing this for a few years, since my first days at college, and sure it never went well, so obviously I have doubts on my beliefs, doubts on my own silver lining. But this is keeping me walking and I am pretty sure when I will have lost everything along the way I will be free, free to do anything. Or I might stumble upon some golden rock.

But in a way I playing my LIFE in legendary mode. Maybe this is my challenge, my path to salvation, my way of being awesome. Not all people will see awesomeness in sorrow, but I think I do. So my last cigarette goes to my awesome  & sad & (really happy at times) life.


Street Fighter IV

That’s the second latest game Street Fighter game from CAPCOM.

My first brush with Street Fighter was on a 8-bit TV game console. I liked the characters a lot. Particularly Ryu and Guile. To me the game was basically a way to vent out anything bad, anything violent. And the good part is the same amount of health to both the players. 😉 That makes playing it much more FUN!

It didn’t matter whether I won or I lost, it didn’t matter if I were able to perfectly do the combos or not, it was the sheer FUN that kept me playing.

Then after a few years I encountered a few new fighting games on PS3 and X360 at a friends’ place. They were great, but Street Fighter IV is just perfect. It has balanced characters, it has good and easy combos, and has great backgrounds. But few hours at a friends place is not enough to taste the game to the fullest.

Perfect time came when I got a 9500GT GPU. I won’t say the game running extreme great on this system, but the performance is playable. I play with keyboard and I wonder how many more days they have.

On Responsibility, on Fools

I have my exams tomorrow, regarding electromagnetic waves and antennas, but I couldn’t help writing this. It suddenly sparked, that I should write about responsibility and some fools around me.

Let’s talk about the Fools first with the help of analysis of sense of responsibility to their own environment.

Candies, in general come in many forms but most of them are wrapped in non-biodegradable polythene wrappers. It is a pretty common personal waste we produce, the wrappers, and it is very eco-unfriendly (Though recyclable).

I have some friends (Fools) with whom I go to college, I play bridge and I try to talk (which is pretty much useless most of the time) and we all love candies. But they don’t think about the wrappers. Throwing out the wrapper anywhere. And when I ask, “Ota okhane phelar ki dorkar chilo?” (“Was it necessary to throw it like that?”), they reply, “Tahole tor pocket e rakhi?” (“Then sould I put it in your pocket”), because I do that all the time when there are no waste bins around. Most of the waste bin plastic contents are never recycled, but we can prevent the bad stuff from spreading and affecting the environment, can’t we? I got the idea of using shirt or trouser pocket when my parents sent to forest with some great guys who loves adventure, when I was 9 years of age. Since then I have been doing something to reduce my waste footprint, mostly not spreading polythene contents here and there. But 20 (> 20) year old goofs cannot get that.

Let’s forget about all those biodegradability and  eco-unfriendly stuff. Let’s talk about cleanliness of the environment, which to some extent motivates human mind. We are not talking about artistic expressions using wrappers and polythene. Spreading those used pieces of polythene is basically a bad idea. But my favorite Fools don’t count keeping their city clean as a responsibility (Because they are Fools, as simple as that).

I try to tell the brickheads (or stoneheads) that they shouldn’t do that, I get replies like, “Why do you care when no one else is?”. Isn’t that the dumbest thing? My reply should always be “Someone has to start, why don’t you start, others will follow; If no one starts, none will learn”. But my patience never run that long. Last time I tripped and threw a plastic chocolate bar wrapper not to the waste bin because the Guy (Fool) told me that “Aah! My dear Tree Hugger!”. Sometimes after I trip of my patience, I feel I am losing my ground and becoming on of the Fools.

Incidents with candy wrappers (And those potato chip packets) is the most severe I noticed here in my locality, where I roam and ride. And noticed some subtle points about fools through these incidents. Those are,

  1. Thinking about greater good (The streets) is a bit far-fecthed for Fools.
  2. Thinking of what we are doing to this world? “Hmm! Why do you care, here have some Chops”
  3. Keeping their room clean is a everyday chore, but keeping the streets clean? “Naah!”
  4. Some basic responsibility as a human, as a social animal, as a citizen… “What responsibility?”

All I am asking is to be a part of this world and make it a better place by all means possible and to think of all the good things we can do.

Sometimes when I almost run out of patience while explaining, I feel like kicking a Bruce Lee style Dragon Kick to the face of a fool and break a flabby jaw. But I am sorry to blame them. The elementary education system is itself so under-educated, it’s almost impossible for them to understand what they are meant to be as a human being, as a part of the society. Once rightly said by a High school teacher of our class when I was a kid, “What are you studying? These are for Donkeys, not Boys!”. I wish to meet him sometimes.

For those who will be reading this, most of them are very responsible. They are very good men and women. I only ask them (if they are not already) to pinch the Fools around them, and make them human out of Fools. There is hope for all of us, we should just not give up. I have seen responsible people doing their best for this world. I have many friends in many places who realize they are a part of a bigger world. Not always the Fools are foolish all over, it’s just the basic sense that lacks. I am pretty sure, if you try you will find some Fools everywhere. I cannot imagine a Fool-less world, we can surely keep the number of Fools under control.

Let’s make this world a better place!

P.S.- A very good example of positive feedback of negative thinking. The education system under-educating people and the under-educated society cripple the education system, and it goes on and on.


My recent obsession for various skills, I think is improving my overall performance as a ‘HUMAN’.

When I was young, and in High School, a teacher said something in Bengali…

“Je joto kom boyoshe nesha kore, Se toto paka Nesharu hoi”

It literally means, the more young one gets addicted to something, becomes more expert addicts. I don’t remember in what context he said that, but I recall this words very often these days, when someone says that they need more time and knowledge to do something and they cannot do it right then. The more we get obsessed with something, the more perfect we become. And perfection is necessary! And the early we do, the easier it is for us. Stuffs might appear difficult or impossible, but we can pull it off if is not drastically advanced. Like when I learned how to program a computer with BASIC, I knew I had a lot of power, but I couldn’t even form the simplest algorithms. I was in sixth grade at that time. Eventually I learned more programming languages, and learned to use more libraries. I am no super-duper programmer, and I am still trying to get into a open-source project, but I am starting to realize the abstract nature of programming, which I prefer to call, “The Zen of Programming”. These days, as a electronics engineering student, I sometimes try to hurry to some topic. I do find it difficult, but I believe I will eventually pull it off. It reminds me of the days, when I played Enigma and Pink Floyd in cassette player, and slept with the BASIC FOR SCHOOLS book under my pillow. Electronics is pretty new to me, and I am somewhat new to electronics. And the philosophy of the discipline is very much different than what I learned few years back as a kid.

Since recently I am trying to perfect my hand for drawing human figures and mechanical designs, improving my mathematical skills to for computationally advanced stuff, trying to get my photography skills to a significant state, dreaming of becoming a Good Adventurer and Mountaineer, getting a good skill for designing electromechanical and electronic stuff, and expanding my knowledge to as much as I can and getting a clear understanding of SCIENCE.

This is FUN!

Tensor Addiction

Ya, I am addicted to Tensors. Before I try to describe that addiction, I would like to say what Tensors are.

An nth-rank tensor in m-dimensional space is a mathematical object that has n indices m^n components and obeys certain transformation rules. You get it? Well, you may not, or you may, but you are free to try to feel the tensors, you may try to think of this abstract mathematical object, you may try to touch it with your mind.

I try to do those, and there is my addiction. When I start to to think about Tensors, I go completely drugged. It feels good to think about those abstract relations. Linear algebra is one of those mathematical topics which requires real human mind. I believe everybody has a mind, this post is an invitation for that kind of thinking, you don’t need to be mathematically trained to get addicted, just Google up some tensor articles, read them and get addicted (unlike any addiction, tensor addiction is safe, but a bit time consuming, it will have you sitting quietly on your chair).

To me higher mathematics is just learning the notations, and learning how to use the and where to use them, because it is the instinct of our mind to do mathematics. We need notations to express them, just like poetry. But you don’t really have to write down notations after notation on pages to do mathematics, that is just an aid to memory and a processing ground.

I pointed out tensors because I think it is a good place to start the addiction, and I think there are other topics at the heart of mathematics which are addictive i.e. category theory, complexity classes, symmetries etc. I didn’t move to Category Theory yet, when I do, I will inform my beloved readers.

And, lastly, get addicted to science!

I didn’t really describe that addiction of tensors I told I will. Well, the truth is; I cannot describe that, feel it yourself, and don’t try to make a complete meaning out of this post, because this post itself is abstract.