The Last Cigarette

It’s been a while I have been trying to smoke my last cigarette. The transition is slower than I thought but I will eventually do it. I will eventually break whatever my smoking habit I have left within.

But the purpose of the last cigarette was remarkable for me. My last cigarette was a celebration of the a silver lining, celebration of a hope. A hope of having a soothed heart and inspiring challenges that will push me to be a better man. As it turns out, inspiring challenges doesn’t really do well with a soothed & calm heart. At least not now. I do hope it turns out as like Alex Honnold stays completely at peace with the universe when he climbs bare rocks with only his chalk-bag and his climbing shoe. He says if you are getting a rush, that means something went terribly wrong.

What this is all about you may as well ask. My heart needs another one.

“And I’ve felt this emptiness before/ But all the times that I’ve been broken/ I still run right back for more” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Okay, I will just cut the crap. I want a girlfriend, otherwise I cannot handle this “falling in love” anymore. It’s been few times I have crashed. At time I feel like Santiago (read Alchemist), who never gives up faith. Maybe because I have pessimistic components inside me that works like this, or I am just a joke of genetic shuffles and randomness, I simply don’t seem to learn my lesson. I seem to have everything in place, and still then I don’t learn and I don’t get the soothing calmness in my heart. I keep falling in love over and over again and as per the past, it never went well.

“Tonight the sunset means so much/ The one thing that you know you’ll never touch/ Like the feeling, the real thing/ I reach out for that sweet dream/ But somehow the darkness wakes me up” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Sure it is painful and sometimes I really feel like “Why the f**k I don’t learn?”. But then again that doesn’t make me learn or that doesn’t soothe my hear. Though that doesn’t really satisfies my need of silver lining for the last cigarette.

I believe the woman I  have fallen in love with will be my girlfriend pretty soon and after that I won’t need a f**king cigarette or a glass of vodka to drug me out of reality…

I have been believing this for a few years, since my first days at college, and sure it never went well, so obviously I have doubts on my beliefs, doubts on my own silver lining. But this is keeping me walking and I am pretty sure when I will have lost everything along the way I will be free, free to do anything. Or I might stumble upon some golden rock.

But in a way I playing my LIFE in legendary mode. Maybe this is my challenge, my path to salvation, my way of being awesome. Not all people will see awesomeness in sorrow, but I think I do. So my last cigarette goes to my awesome  & sad & (really happy at times) life.

Another practical take on rejection

Let’s talk a bit more about the stray advice you will find on the streets after you get  rejected. “Don’t talk with her”, “Avoid her for a while”, “See if you avoid her she gets concerned or not”, “Then only you will know she really feels!” etc etc.

You already had these type of advice, right? But did it never occur to you, “How the hell I am going to avoid her, when I love (like) her?”. Yes, next time when you get this type of advice tell them that you already the guts to Love (like) her and you cannot have the guts to avoid her too. If you could it would be a paradox!

On that note, Loving someone takes a lot of guts. Let’s say when you popped up your feeling for her, you might as well had all the doubts and flashes of assumptions regarding your soon-to-be relationship. And some of those assumption really took guts to swallow, but yet you didn’t run away from your feelings for her. You thought, “Yeah! I love her! I don’t care! Who cares about whatever will happen!”. Yes my dear reader, you should be proud that you had the guts to give your heart to someone. Be proud! Being proud will only make your situation worse. You will miss her more as you bask in your pride.

But hey! You are not a wimpy kid, are you? You are one bad-ass hitchhiker who traveled beyond Omega-4 relay. Did you forget that? You fought along-side the Turians (The best military in the Galaxy) when you saw that squad wes pinned by Collectors! You drank at that bar in Citadel (I forgot the name)! And did you forget that night when you boarded Normandy SR-2 without permission and suddenly came face to face with Shepherd? (Play Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3) Dude! You are the very definition of bad-ass!

Did the bad-ass metaphor really help, it didn’t right?

Let’s try this one. Your emotions are nothing but some chemical mumbo f**king jumbo inside your brain that has nothing to with the universe and no matter how hard you love someone, hate someone, etcetera someone it will change nothing in this f**cking universe. So don’t waste you time!

That also didn’t help! I know, I have been there. No matter how hard you try (1) you cannot get over the question why she rejected you and (2) you have problems believing that you cannot have her in your life.

No matter how many advice you get you won’t be able to make your life easier until you did it. In case you keep wondering if anything you did made her reject you and even saying ‘sorry’ is not helping, then the reality is most of the time ‘YOU MADE A MISTAKE!’. Deal with it! And remember that next time when you are getting close to a girl. Life is all about learning {and being sad}. Feel very guilty and be very upset; Keep feeling that way until you get bored of it. You will eventually get bored. This is a something I found out from the ‘Zabuza’ episodes of Naruto, when Kakashi said Inari about Naruto, “He probably is bored of crying by now!”

Life, my friend has ups and downs. You probably are an ordinary reader, or someone who is going through some situation like this, like me; And this post did nothing to help you. What I realized in my 22 years of this single shot, like Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Every Life is an unrelentingly epic event. Live it!

Ghost!

Last night, I was pretty much excited while I was reading Frank Wilczek’s book The Lightness of Being, where he described about stuff like Virtual Particles and how they come into play, and how Gluons hold the Quarks together. The concepts introduced there was pretty cool. I couldn’t stop think about those when I went to sleep. Yesterday I hads a little siesta, thus I knew that I would not be able to sleep quick at night. In spite of knowing this, after reading Frank Wilczek after a while I went to sleep, as I had something called internal exams today (Something like internal affairs :D).

But then as usual, I was not able to sleep. I remained awake on my bed. Particle physics didn’t last very long, without mathematics science is bland! 😦 And thus my mind wandered elsewhere. My favorite pastime is to imagine things. Imagine extraordinary things happening in my life. Viz. Me going into the forest, and risking me neck to photograph a leopard. While thinking of these, I became aware of the fact that I might experience Ghosts while roaming in the Forest! Sometimes I like imagine me facing ghost is a light manner (Like “Hey! What’s Up DOC?”). And I am also intimidated by my own imagination, and every bit of slight external stimuli like clicks and ticks make me aware of the present, make my ears and eyes sharp for a a while. In one word, I get afraid of my own imaginations. And it acts with a positive feedback, I get more and more afraid. When I was young I was so afraid of my imaginations, I hated to close my eyes. Last night was something like that. I went a little afraid, I started to sweat a little bit more than normal (Wild things was running in my mind).

After a few moments, I got up from my bed. Went up to the wall, where hangs a Ghost Face mould my father brought a while ago. It looks real ugly. I looked, trying to imagine something more fearful thinking of the fact that more I face fears, the stronger I get (Anything that doesn’t kills you, makes you stronger). Then something else unusual caught my eye. It was the mirror, showing something strange. I walked toward the mirror to see what it was. It was lit by a slice of street light coming through the window. It came towards me also. I realized it was a Ghost, before realizing it was me only. I looked at my face, half lit from the slice of light.

Indeed, I was the Ghost, and didn’t need to be afraid of all the other Ghosts. I create and I dream, I am one the most deadly among all other Ghosts!

Reignited dreams

When I first tasted some real particle physics, helped by some physicists, I sought to study physics, some hard physics. Life said otherwise. I am now a undergraduate, studying in an engineering school, majoring in Electronics and Communications Engineering. I thought it would also be Fun altogether! But after studying one and a half year, this life of an engineering student is killing me. Maybe, only maybe I am getting myself frustrated more and more, and more I get frustrated, I am getting myself more frustrated in turn. It is a classic scenario of positive feedback.

The reasons as I reckon are something that goes like this.

There is no excitement in the classroom, which is very important for people like me. The last burst of excitement I had while studying Nyquist Sampling theorem. But the wet lifeless form in classroom and no such reaction from teacher, made the crispy excitement go wet in seconds.

The point of comfort during studying is very important, that I learnt during my best time at IACS. You cannot eally feel that the Fourier transform of a aperiodic signal is continuous and the periodic signal has discrete spikes in it’s spectrum while studied analytically. Our teacher tries his best, but it’s not really possible for average people like us, Geniuses aside. In my classroom, it’s the usual yada yada.

Why does people have to think about realism, practicality and all the time. Where did childhood go? There was a thing that was written on the a creative writing exhibition our college held few days ago. It was about Bad Effect of Television. And the ‘great’ writer said that ‘Batsman’ (Check out the spelling! Batsman? Man! I couldn’t help writing LOLs on my mind that moment), Superman, Spiderman are just a bunch of nonsense having bad effects on Children. What can I say? We grew up with these brightly colored stories. Hada Bhoda, Batul and Chacha Chowdhury and all these western super heroes, and they made us what we are. One of my friends and I, when we talk, it’s all pure FUN stuff, I wish I could go there to his place and play some games for a few hours, just to lighten myself off. But this professional animator is too busy these days, just don’t want to disturb him. I really respect his passion, commitment and persistence that he has. I wish I could have a chat with him these days.

No one talks about FUN, or it is just that my idea of FUN is different than others. There is so much negativity, no sporty spirit, how did people build such a system for themselves, or maybe it was just another consequence of social evolution. Makes me laugh sometimes!

Fundamentally speaking, I shouldn’t have come into engineering in the first place… … …

I should stop writing about the bad stuff, it might just overload WordPress servers!

“I should smoke a few cigarettes, that can take all the worries away”, that was the last thing I thought until I got my hand on Frank Wilczeks’ new book The Lightness of Being. It deals with particle physics and fundamental questions about the constituents of matter; written for the layman. We all need an impossible belief to keep us going through the days, I found what I should believe in! I rapidly laid out all the examples of such cases, it helps. My dreams are usually fickle, but this time I will keep that in mind also this time. I cannot go back and grow up again, can I? Let’s just stop the bleeding.

I will…I wish…

i’m not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i’m sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i’m not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i’ve found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you – The Reason, Hoobastank

I will remember that I cried for her in the bathroom, with the shower open.

I will remember that I looked to the door everyday, until she entered the class room.

I will remember that I found her.

I will walk the streets with her memories.

I will remember that I wished her to walk by me, and listen to her stories.

I will remember to recollect every moment with her every morning.

I will cherish her memories like there is no tomorrow.

I wish to walk beside her sometimes.

I wish I was more perfect, smarter, sharper, intelligent, strong.

I wish I had a nicer face!

I wish I didn’t have ‘Super massive’ Love inside me.

I wish I could make a skydive.

I wish she didn’t turn her cellphone off.

I will remember we make choices to never look back.

I will remember that I AM IN LOVE!

 

Sarcasm @ 1am

For a few years I was building a subtle dream, looking after the tiny details,   giving some textures, colours, fragrances etc. I am no artist, but I felt like one while I was working on that dream.

No one can deny that a dream is bad. This dream of mine was mashed up with hope. It was a part of a net work of dreams, so intermingled that every detail was related to some other dream. I was convinced myself that working on this single dream would elevate the whole, with my soul tucked inside that net.

I never thought the net can break this easily.

Few hours ago, a piece of information came to me, which destroyed my years of work, failed my time working on that dream. It is not that it shattered because I didn’t make it strong, but the dream is found on the compliment of that particular information. It was somewhat like an anit-matter annihilation.

I pondered on the fact the I am an incompetent impaired specimen for Natural Selection

I don’t like regretting! Groping for the shards of that dream in the pitch black of night, it drove me to some mental NULL point, made me numb, unable of thoughts. I pondered on the fact the I am an incompetent impaired specimen for Natural Selection. I kept on copying the worse than ever Engineering Workshop Notebook, with insects getting all over my body, as there was the only light in the neighborhood. I was so numb I didn’t notice them at all. When I did notice, I just jerked the little guys off.

I am not sure if it is right, but I am trying to start a new dream to work on.