The Last Cigarette

It’s been a while I have been trying to smoke my last cigarette. The transition is slower than I thought but I will eventually do it. I will eventually break whatever my smoking habit I have left within.

But the purpose of the last cigarette was remarkable for me. My last cigarette was a celebration of the a silver lining, celebration of a hope. A hope of having a soothed heart and inspiring challenges that will push me to be a better man. As it turns out, inspiring challenges doesn’t really do well with a soothed & calm heart. At least not now. I do hope it turns out as like Alex Honnold stays completely at peace with the universe when he climbs bare rocks with only his chalk-bag and his climbing shoe. He says if you are getting a rush, that means something went terribly wrong.

What this is all about you may as well ask. My heart needs another one.

“And I’ve felt this emptiness before/ But all the times that I’ve been broken/ I still run right back for more” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Okay, I will just cut the crap. I want a girlfriend, otherwise I cannot handle this “falling in love” anymore. It’s been few times I have crashed. At time I feel like Santiago (read Alchemist), who never gives up faith. Maybe because I have pessimistic components inside me that works like this, or I am just a joke of genetic shuffles and randomness, I simply don’t seem to learn my lesson. I seem to have everything in place, and still then I don’t learn and I don’t get the soothing calmness in my heart. I keep falling in love over and over again and as per the past, it never went well.

“Tonight the sunset means so much/ The one thing that you know you’ll never touch/ Like the feeling, the real thing/ I reach out for that sweet dream/ But somehow the darkness wakes me up” – Learn My Lesson, Daughtry

Sure it is painful and sometimes I really feel like “Why the f**k I don’t learn?”. But then again that doesn’t make me learn or that doesn’t soothe my hear. Though that doesn’t really satisfies my need of silver lining for the last cigarette.

I believe the woman I  have fallen in love with will be my girlfriend pretty soon and after that I won’t need a f**king cigarette or a glass of vodka to drug me out of reality…

I have been believing this for a few years, since my first days at college, and sure it never went well, so obviously I have doubts on my beliefs, doubts on my own silver lining. But this is keeping me walking and I am pretty sure when I will have lost everything along the way I will be free, free to do anything. Or I might stumble upon some golden rock.

But in a way I playing my LIFE in legendary mode. Maybe this is my challenge, my path to salvation, my way of being awesome. Not all people will see awesomeness in sorrow, but I think I do. So my last cigarette goes to my awesome  & sad & (really happy at times) life.

Acute Soul Sickness

Acute Soul Sickness. I got this word from the game SuperBrothers – Sword and Sorcery. The game is superb. But that is not exactly the reason why I am writing this post.

This post is about the Sickness. I think I found the exact word for my sickness. It’s a acute soul sickness. As a matter of fact, this may sound uncommon, but it’s actually a pretty common sickness these days. I see a lot of people having a soul sickness. It’s not acute for most of them, but there are acute cases too, relatively rare.

The answer to the question “what is soul sickness?” or “what are the symptoms of soul sickness?” is probably self explanatory, so I will just skip that part. Lets, umm, talk about my sickness. We will start by reflecting on my life. I am a web-developer. I write code, wrangle code and try to be poetic about writing code all the time. Being poetic about code, I will write it somewhere else sometimes. I do travel, I like to travel, I like outdoors and I also like to photograph stuff. Other than that I have a tendency to be logical and rational and traditionally scientific about almost everything. And I also indulge drawing and reading etc. I do have a expansive set of reading, mostly non-fiction, which helps my tendency to be geeky at times. Other than that I a lot of stuff that gives me pleasure. My problem is I don’t have a girlfriend. I lost the shyness in talking fresh and straight a while ago. So I admit pretty easily I am tremendously frustrated regarding the romantic side of my life, which is stale and empty and always have a imaginary character involved. I also admit if I were a 100% pure outdoors person, I might not be as frustrated as I am now.

After reading the previous passage I think you have an idea of me as a person. Now I am going tell you how I am dealing with this problem and how I came to the solution. First of all, there are no solutions. I just live with it, but the thing that is worth mentioning is that I simply accepted it. Irony was that I had to pretend that I am cool in hope that someone might turn up and accept me (I am talking about a girlfriend). And then through pretending I realized something a while back. Something stark hit me while recollecting some conversations with some of my friends, acquaintances etc. A lot of people after going through some relationship hitches change themselves deliberately or keeps trying to change themselves to someone who doesn’t really care about being with a person of opposite sex. The thing that hit me was “Why give up hope?”. I think I have the best solution for my sickness. The very best ever. It’s a matter of choice, regarding how you choose to live your life.

My solution:

I simply keep up my hopes, and I keep falling in love, I be optimistic, I do stupid things. Sure it’s somewhat painful sometimes, but I am pretty sure I will be able to love a woman one day. That’s one-of-a-kind bad-ass if you ask me! 🙂

Keeping memories

There are characters that we want to keep close. They sometimes inspire us, they sometimes show us light when everything us dark and sometimes we just want to share our happiness with them. Reality is we cannot always keep them as close to our lives as we want and in those times, we keep memories. And the special part associated with keeping memories is the way we usually keep memories.

We keeps things, materials associated with their and our lives to keep our memories rejuvenate from time to time. We talk to the memories when we are alone, when we are sad, when we are in dark.

I did some crazy things to keep memories. Keeping photos was a cliche to me.

Reprinting a painting

Once I scanned a painting of a Alexey Maresyev and another man (I don’t remember the name) from a edition of Story of a Real Man by Boris Polevoi and printed it just to keep them with me. I didn’t have a cellphone then. I was 15 then. I was truly a mess. And I yearned the courage Alexey had and dreamed of doing great things, like him. Let me tell you what he did. He was a Soviet fighter pilot. After his plane crashed, he crawled through the wild for 18 days to be picked up by local villagers and in the end his legs were amputated. He doggedly trained himself to fly with stumps. The other guy inspired Alexei to fly again no-matter-what. This print was with me for many days but I did lose it eventually. I still do think about Alexei but now I am more capable of fueling myself. 🙂

Keeping a bunch of papers from a notebook

She was my big crush, first technically complete love and eventually in time she left me. I yearned for her return pretty badly and kept stuff associated with her. Among many attempts to keep memories of her, this was weird. I kept some her notebook pages. She has a nice handwriting by-the-way. I kept those, looked at those at times and thought about the time we spent together. Nice way to keep memories. 😛 I dont’ have those anymore (MOVING ON!).

Keeping an autograph on a notebook

I met a girl. She is awesome. She is nice, calm, sweet and AWESOME! I didn’t had the chance to get some photos of her, so what did I do? I kept a signature of her. She showed it to me and I thought, ‘Wow! This is a nice signature!’. I asked her to do it again on my notebook, and I kept my notebook. I made things with that signature, but I kept it with me. I took the notebook wherever I went. And sometimes opened it up to check the signature. The lines that went into the details of the signature. The general form of it. The signature was there with me until I had to leave the notebook at a place in an errand. I am sure I will get it back again, I just don’t know when.

And now…

Now it seems all these weird things happened because I didn’t have a better way to keep memories. I didn’t have photos, I didn’t have videos, I didn’t have recorded voices. And I realized this when I saw a beautiful photo of the beautiful Girl I mentioned earlier (The signature girl). What did I do? I downloaded and kept the photo of her in my phone. For the first time ever I actually am keeping a photo of a girl I love in my phone! Previously I thought keeping a girl in my heart was enough but the photo is actually reminding vividly and I love it that way!

My conclusion

My conclusion is, cliche or no-cliche, keep memories the way you want, they are as good as your dreams are. They are a significant part of all-you-got.

Another practical take on rejection

Let’s talk a bit more about the stray advice you will find on the streets after you get  rejected. “Don’t talk with her”, “Avoid her for a while”, “See if you avoid her she gets concerned or not”, “Then only you will know she really feels!” etc etc.

You already had these type of advice, right? But did it never occur to you, “How the hell I am going to avoid her, when I love (like) her?”. Yes, next time when you get this type of advice tell them that you already the guts to Love (like) her and you cannot have the guts to avoid her too. If you could it would be a paradox!

On that note, Loving someone takes a lot of guts. Let’s say when you popped up your feeling for her, you might as well had all the doubts and flashes of assumptions regarding your soon-to-be relationship. And some of those assumption really took guts to swallow, but yet you didn’t run away from your feelings for her. You thought, “Yeah! I love her! I don’t care! Who cares about whatever will happen!”. Yes my dear reader, you should be proud that you had the guts to give your heart to someone. Be proud! Being proud will only make your situation worse. You will miss her more as you bask in your pride.

But hey! You are not a wimpy kid, are you? You are one bad-ass hitchhiker who traveled beyond Omega-4 relay. Did you forget that? You fought along-side the Turians (The best military in the Galaxy) when you saw that squad wes pinned by Collectors! You drank at that bar in Citadel (I forgot the name)! And did you forget that night when you boarded Normandy SR-2 without permission and suddenly came face to face with Shepherd? (Play Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3) Dude! You are the very definition of bad-ass!

Did the bad-ass metaphor really help, it didn’t right?

Let’s try this one. Your emotions are nothing but some chemical mumbo f**king jumbo inside your brain that has nothing to with the universe and no matter how hard you love someone, hate someone, etcetera someone it will change nothing in this f**cking universe. So don’t waste you time!

That also didn’t help! I know, I have been there. No matter how hard you try (1) you cannot get over the question why she rejected you and (2) you have problems believing that you cannot have her in your life.

No matter how many advice you get you won’t be able to make your life easier until you did it. In case you keep wondering if anything you did made her reject you and even saying ‘sorry’ is not helping, then the reality is most of the time ‘YOU MADE A MISTAKE!’. Deal with it! And remember that next time when you are getting close to a girl. Life is all about learning {and being sad}. Feel very guilty and be very upset; Keep feeling that way until you get bored of it. You will eventually get bored. This is a something I found out from the ‘Zabuza’ episodes of Naruto, when Kakashi said Inari about Naruto, “He probably is bored of crying by now!”

Life, my friend has ups and downs. You probably are an ordinary reader, or someone who is going through some situation like this, like me; And this post did nothing to help you. What I realized in my 22 years of this single shot, like Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Every Life is an unrelentingly epic event. Live it!

Practical Idea & a little Wild West…

There are many types of rejections that you can receive from a Boy/ Girl, which can be classified into two general categories.

First, you have absolutely no idea about the feelings of the other party have towards you and you simply propose a date or a relationship, you get rejected. No big deal in that.

Second, when you believe that the other party likes you the way you like the other party and you propose a date or a relationship and they refuse saying ‘I didn’t think that way!’. Horrible! Right?

A general reader who never got rejected can either ask, ‘How the hell did you know the person likes you?’ or ‘How the hell can you not know anything about the other persons’ feelings?’. In that case, he/ she should not read further down.

Now, coming back the point, let’s say you receive the second type of rejection, most people will advice, ‘Do something you like, try to enjoy things you like’. What kind of crappy advice is that? If I liked or enjoyed something during my rejection I would be doing that already. It only makes sense if the advice is like, ‘Think about the time before your rejection and try to remember the activities that you used to enjoy so dearly (Except talking with the person of interest)’. Even then, (most of us) you won’t be able to enjoy them, so what’s the point in doing ‘something you like’. Absolutely crappy piece of advice that you will find everywhere and mostly in those orchestral type articles where big dialog are written in fine tuned typographic standards.

So what shall you do? First, remember the time before rejection, and make a list of things you used to enjoy. Now start doing those one by one mixed with some of your natural reactions. I am giving out my approach,

  1. Groan.
  2. Cry a little
  3. Open up Dirt 3 and spray dirt all over the back of the Ford Focus.
  4. Read three words of a book before folding it back to it’s initial place.
  5. Groan harder again.
  6. Open up Street Fight X Tekken thinking a fighting game will help.
  7. Lose a few matches and groan even harder so everyone notice.
  8. Feel sleepy and close your eyes.
  9. Open up a Martin Gardner book, read one puzzle.
  10. Look at the ceiling and think about the bad stuff you did with the person of interest that just might tipped the person of interest off your league.
  11. Go to sleep on table.
  12. Wake up, eat snacks. Remember the person of interest and rejection.
  13. Text and irritate the person of interest.
  14. Repeat from step 1.

That was just an example of the approach you can take. Movies can be a neat activity that you can do while you are going through a rejection. It will not help you a bit getting over the rejection, but you can enjoy the movie, because your lazy brain can simply watch the movie and not do a thing that requires effort. My list of movies,

  1. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Awwwwwwwwwwwwwesome!)
  2. Shawshank Redemption (*tears*)
  3. Kung Fu Panda (Skatoosh)
  4. Monsters Inc. (Boo)
  5. The Rock (‘Losers always talk about their best’)
  6. and many more…

One more thing you can try after watching The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Imagine yourself as this character shown in the photograph. You blood will instantly start to boil (Boys only). And remember, you got a single life only.

You must have noticed that my tremendously advanced intellect is being able to express itself in a more mature way. You think my writing has become more mature that the previous post? (Go ahead and take a look at the archives). If yes, then you are mistaking! I am just trying to laugh my problem off!

One uncommon immensely irritating sensation…

I am not like ‘Marvin’…

Whenever I get rejected by a girl (twice it happened, and many times more) this whole sensation comes to me (and my blogging frequency increases).

It’s a tickling & tingling sensation, irritating; And the worst part is the more you scratch it the more uncontrollable it becomes. It’s a combination of sorrow, being helpless about the current situation and the futility of trying to let the whole thing go. It’s a vicious feedback cycle that feeds on itself.

The primary conflict happens when ‘you love the girl so dearly’ + ‘you cannot do anything to get her’ happens inside you brain (which you fondly call heart). When you try to solve that conflict, it takes so much energy off your brain you lose focus and all the loser parts of you brain get activated (you feel you are good for nothing) and pushes you to a melancholic state of mind which can either be fixed by a good amount of nicotine or a good geeky companion holding a uber-hard logic puzzle book or a sudden impulse of a singular exciting idea or some amount of alcohol (hypothetical statement, no experiment done yet). And just when you think you had enough…

You read some online article about accepting the whole thing and you start trying to accept the whole rejection scenario and suddenly little hope pops into your mind and you start believing that you can actually get this girl. And then you disturb the girl with all your little ‘painful yet strong looking’ texts and let the conflict feed from the disagreeable texts that you get from that girl. Yet you don’t realize the conflict in your brain (which again you fondly called heart) is actually making you stare at the ceiling for overly long periods and blurring your vision with tears. Just to note, from an evolutionary point of view blurred vision is NOT GOOD!

The reason I am writing this post because I just had this ‘uncommon immensely irritating sensation’ few minutes ago, a day ago a few hundred times before, and I thought I should share my findings. I have researched the brain (which you fondly call …) activities during these periods of this ‘uncommon immensely irritating sensation’. There are hell loads of articles full of advice regarding how to cope with rejections from a girl (or a boy). All of them have some points in common such as ‘respect her decision’, ‘confront the rejection rather than denying it’, ‘accept that you still love the girl’ and ‘must not hate the girl’. I say all these points are tremendously important, especially the last one. DO NOT HATE THE GIRL. That’s what I did to a girl who rejected me, and I ended up hating her so much; I am sure I never hated someone such an amount before that and never I will hate someone in that enormous scale in my entire remaining life. FYI, I didn’t have any idea about how to deal with someone who rejected my after I changed all my life’s plans for her.

There is a chance that people who is currently getting through this situation might come across this article. I dedicate this part of the post to them. First of all, consider packing a space suit, survival gears, toothbrush, underwears and a copy of ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ button-screen edition and start hitchhiking through the Galaxy (and consider going to the Andromeda system sometimes). In case you are wondering; I read this delightful novel “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ by Douglas Adams in two stretches and finished it few hours ago and I believe my subconscious mind is busy processing the information it got from the quotes of the original ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ rather than being busy politically flaring up the conflicts in my brain. Keeping that in mind, READ this book. It’s awesome. Even if you are not in a rejection scenario, read this book! And if you already read this book lend me your copy of ‘The Restaurant at the end of the Universe’ (Yup! I am sure you have it!).

You see, ‘getting over rejections’ is a subtle Art. Let me explain, it took me a year and a half to get over a big rejection (and I stopped loving her eventually) and the next big rejection took me 36 hours 23 minutes 12 seconds to get over. Practice makes perfect, if I extrapolate it linearly as a function of n-th rejection, it would take me minus one and a half year (approx.) to get over a girl (assuming ‘n’ is the number of BIG rejections). To quench your thirst for mathematical analysis of day-to-day problems, I will devote another post on this very topic where I will consider more elaborate extrapolations and draw more plausible conclusions from it.

Secondly (To my friends’ who got rejected by a girl), you may keep on reading online about getting over a girl and/or getting over a rejection. All these texts directly or indirectly state that ‘you can do it’. No matter how sternly you look at the computer/ iPad/ iPhone/Android phone or tablet/ Blackberry phone or tablet [Okay, enough!] screen most of you won’t believe that you can do it until you finally get to Magrathea… I  mean the planet where custom planets are manufactured… I MEAN to the point where you got over the rejection. So I say, struggle with all these emotions, cry a lot, disturb the girl with all your fumbling and mumbling and definitely try to follow the tips you found online. Just to note a little again, you don’t essentially need to stop loving the particular girl.

Improvements

Well, I have been busy improving my life lately. It’s been a exceptionally rewarding few days. I read a few things online and then I started to reorganize my life in a way I never done before. It’s fun to re-organize! There would be four keys currently for me.

  1. I am using technology mostly for self-scheduling. It’s the best thing! TECHNOLOGY. All you need to realize that it is there to make your life easier. Let’s assert my case with technology. I am a very forgetful person. So these days I use self scheduling software. It helps my not-forgetting tasks that I am intended to do. And I also use Calender. In the past there were days when I gave time to someone or something, and then I overlap that with another activity and then screw myself up and rendering myself unreliable to other parties. So the CALENDER is also a great help for me. I use Any.DO Android App for my task scheduling, and the built in Calender app for scheduling programs that I have. I am sure you will find you own sweet apps and gadgets to keep you on track and time.
  2. I am using the cloud. It’s another great boon of technology, using the cloud. I use EVERNOTE and GOOGLE calender and tasks to keep my tasks and schedule synced online. That way I can keep notes while I am on the PC or on the road and view them anywhere I want. Keeping notes is a part of my life now!
  3. ‘Statistically people with more willpower are more sucessful’ This is not the exact quote but the context was the same. I read it in a book review, the book was about how to increase your willpower. Whenever I feel lazy, I kinda recall this fact, and I am energetic again.
  4. I don’t keep the chores for later: It’s another important lesson I learned. This thing I learned from a blog. There it was said that do everything then if it takes less than 2 minutes. Usually chores take more than 2 minutes for me. But I still do those small mundane everyday tasks because those actually free your mind for the more important stuff that you need to do.
  5. And most importantly, I stay focused. It’s a very redundant point, but I thought I should note it here too. 🙂

You, the reader, just might find these tips helpful.