The Urban Cycling Expeditions

When I didn’t find anyone who was willing to go with me, I decided to do it alone. I bicycled to the outskirts of Bangalore.

The bicycles

I was planing to buy a bicycle for quite a long time now. But I couldn’t decide which one to buy and my savings were low to buy one of these bicycles. I can get bicycles on rent in my neighborhood. So I decided to try out a few bicycles.

The 1st weekend

The first weekend I got a 21 speed full suspension mountain bike and wanted to try it out on the roads. During the first hour of the journey it looked great, but as time passed by, I realized riding on a short bike for this long distance is not going to work. My legs began to ache. I crashed in a friends’ place that night at J.P. Nagar. My destination for that weekend. I came back next day.

The problem with GPS navigation on a phone is that you always have to stop and check your location. And I didn’t have a GPS holder on my bicycle. In Bangalore, many roads are one way, so you cannot really go back the way you came. That sometimes can be a big trouble.

It was approximately 32 kilometers in two days.

The 2nd weekend

Last Saturday, I planned to get a hybrid, which is more suited for the roads, given my experience with a full mountain bike. I got a 24 speed hybrid from BT’win for rent.

I wanted to go to Whitefield, but that was just a plain destination. Unlike J.P. Nagar I had no one to meet there, so I simply went there, looked for a nice pub, had lunch and came back, with a few problem along the way due to ‘ONE WAY STREETS’.

It was around 50 kilometers in a single day.

The fun parts

The first ride to J.P. Nagar, I was just motivated by the fact that I am going to meet my old friend from college. That just kept me going on, despite muscle fatigue on my legs. I stayed there with my friend that night, had a lot of fun and came back.

The second day I really was asking myself this question twice, ‘why am I doing this?’. Even hours before setting out on the bike, I was not really into it. There was nothing in Whitefield for me. I was not really getting the reason to go to Whitefield. Then I looked at the map and found this Old Airport Road which is quite a long stretch. Cycling on a long stretch is quite fun I thought and I made myself go. On the way I felt like a lone traveler, no purpose, just the journey. With that came a little Wild-West-Lone-Ranger type emotions, and I decided to go to a pub and sip my weariness away.

On these rides, there were two situations when I kept telling myself ‘Don’t be a pussy’. One was when I was going downhill without a brake and hitting quite a lot of speed, and the other was when I was going uphill and my legs yearned to give up. Bangalore has a lot of slopes one can really enjoy!

Well, that’s mostly all. I cannot really write down the exact fun that I had bike riding. So I just jotted (typed) down the events.

In my perpetual agony of being single, these emotions are the one I want to hold on to. I want to hold on to these moments where there is me and only me, and nothing else!

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From Love to Bicycles

It’s been a while since I have been living in Bangalore. The occasional booze, smokes, weekend overtime-naps and movies/ series. That’s what my life in Bangalore was until very recently. Before going to that point, a little past chronicles. Back in Bengal,  my life was different. I had hangouts sitting on bamboo benches, smoking cigarettes besides the highways. For a few months I was visiting a science institute and was meeting, talking and idea-ting with girlfriend-less super geeks. I enjoyed time with people who is trying to have a girlfriend. I used to hide in my electronics workshop and built stuff to my heart’s content, and code till my brain yearned for a cigarette. I didn’t booze then.

Himalaya is a great place to discover your limits, or any mountain is. Every time I go to Himalayas, I discover something about myself. The last one was no exception. It was just before I came to Bangalore; A great Himalayan Hike.

That was the my life for a few years. Sometimes exciting, sometimes subtle. One thing remained unchanged though, I always was in Love with some girl who didn’t give a *beep* about me. The closest I got of having a girlfriend can be summarized in one sentence; She convinced me to stay in India and not going abroad for Masters study, and inevitably ditched me. During those post-ditch months, I always wished rain fell down on me and wash away my tears if not life. But I was lucky I got friends who pulled me out of the muck, pushed me on my bike and set me on the groove. After my first ditch-y experience I fell for few girls, everyone had their unique ability to shut down my brain processes except the hippo-campus. The good thing though about all these was that, however painful these may be, I always had friend to set me on to the groove again. After I came to Bangalore and started living alone (with room-mates), fell in Love head over heels and hit a titanium reinforced wall, I was forced to look deep down inside my life and my mind.

I figured that I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to a woman. To put it more clearly, it’s more cuddles and less sex. Then I tried to figure the invariant among all the women I fell in Love with. They all exhibited some curiosity to certain scientific disciplines. They all had affinity towards enjoying and making art. Everyone of them knew about the girl who came into my life before her (provided the set of girls I am dealing with are girls who came into my life after I stepped into traditional manhood).

Then I looked into other invariant related to girls and me; I told all of them that I liked them like hell before they knew that I started programming when I was 12 years old. Every time I told a girl that I liked her, all of my friends’ feedbacks were ‘Way too fast, Dude! You killed it!”. And the most important invariant is that I fell in Love with a girl as crazily as I did with the girl before her.

Even with all these in-variants, I couldn’t find the missing part of my life.

One awesome computer science teacher once said that before solving any (computational) problem you should always look for the invariant. My first weekends in Bangalore; I usually sulked over my awful girlfriend-less life and how girls don’t bother if I am dead or alive. After that brush with computation puzzles and invariant, I tried to shed some light on my own past. Invariant he said! And on one fateful morning, while writing a JavaScript snippet, I suddenly got the final invariant. With every girl I fell in Love with, I wanted to lay on their laps and let them stroke my hair while I told them the stories of my struggles in life; I always wanted them to pity me. Contrary to the usual beliefs and suggestions from my friends, such as, “be a macho”, “don’t show your emotions” etc. etc. I realized I was drowning in addiction of self-pity. It was not difficult to figure out that self-pity is the mother of all (material) addictions. I was shocked! I never realized I was broken that deep inside and it took me 20 years just to figure that out.

I immediately knew I had to go back to the basics. The dreams of excellence and success are heavy burden. On the other hand, the dreams of pushing beyond what I can do is scary. Going along with Zen wisdom, I chose the second dream, leaving the first one. It will take time till I get the hang of this new dream.

It’s quite apparent now that perks and nails will be there. I will always feel worthless and sad when she ignores me. I will always feel like flying when she smiles at me. I will always drop everything when she needs me. I will always make stuff for her just to make her smile.  I will always plan something grand for her birthday. I will always wait for her, just to walk a few steps with her. I will always admit that I need her in my life forever. But heck, I will never hide myself just to make her like me.

It’s been a while since I have been living in Bangalore. The week long programming, reading, eating and curating food (mostly pizzas) and weekend bicycling is what my life is all about these days. I am soon to get my electronics equipment in Bangalore and I will be able to make cool stuff. I am in Love with a girl who’s smile is the best in the world. She is very moody and sometimes confuses me. She is able to make me feel awesome about myself, and sometimes hellishly bad about myself. I am into her and I am still to figure if she will ever be into me. I take these awesome bicycles for rent. Each weekend I try out a different bike. Tomorrow I am going to try out a hybrid road bike. Last weekend I tried out a full suspension mountain bike. I hear the bicycling community in Bangalore is really great! I also sometimes skateboard on the streets at night. And I never forget to wish her a ‘Good morning’ and a ‘Good Night’.

Not anymore…

Since I saw my friends’ blog post about OCD, I decided to look into OCD. It’s hard to describe what exactly is OCD unless you experience it like many other things. We all have a degree of OCD studies show.

But it’s life gets real hard when you have mental disease, and the strangely painful part of OCD is that once you are aware of OCD it feeds on that idea. And for me it’s very easy to believe right now that every problematic saddening thing I am experiencing is caused by my OCD, though I haven’t got expert advice, and I don’t really want to get psychological counselling. But probably I will need it, soon.

The real problem with a mental disease is that you cannot really overcome them with your mind, like a physical problem. It’s not “Mind over body”. It’s your mind that is in trouble. A redemption would be to get your “mind over substance”.

It’s hard to let go once a thought gets into a loop. If you were affected by OCD, it’s an obsession which you wouldn’t like after a while, and it will feed on your energy  killing you from inside, making you more pessimistic every moment, and probably it keeps going until you become a stone (I doubt anyone with OCD can ever become stone), or a grumpy old man full with hatred and misery.

It’s quite benevolent when it comes to Love. I don’t exactly know if my OCD is the cause of my exceptional Love for women but I fall in love real quick, very frequently and obviously slip, fall and crash. I question myself regarding the reason for my nature, and I don’t really get an answer. I never ever get an answer. NOT A SINGLE F**KING ANSWER! And if Love is holding this world together why it is so hard to find?????

It’s like climbing a rock wall, you suddenly start slipping slowly and you clamber for rock hold to keep to in place. That is exactly how it feels for me. I clamber of human contact, human connection, trust and affection, to hold me in place. I simply don’t know how to be pleased with myself. I have sustained enough, it must have been a by mental block now, every trauma related to Love. I should have changed…

“DON’T BE A PUSSY” I tell myself, over and over and over again.    

Long back after my first big crash, I chose not to change. Not to lose my heightened affection toward human connection and Love. I will not change, because of some lollipop. I will learn and I will rise one day…

 

The secret of my lollipops

I have been falling in Love since was in puberty, like everyone else. But never it went as I hoped it would be. It’s always a big disappointment for me. Falling in love, getting rejected. The endless loop of pain. I used to think of each episodes of Love as my bullet-wounds. Scars that makes me hotter. It doesn’t feel like that any-more.

Each episode in this loop slowly transforms into a lollipop, which I am able to lick and enjoy sarcastically. It’s like licking a deep cut and tasting blood but with a hint of sugar; I have seven lollipops, each with unique flavours which I can savour. And each of my flavoured lollipops is enjoyed with specific set of soundtracks.

There is absolutely no point in describing the lollipops’ taste because it would appear same to you, unless you taste it yourself. So I would restrain myself from describing it. Here is something you can taste though, list of songs that I play while enjoy my lollipops. Totally un-ordered.

ENJOY!

Nice read!

I was about to write something like this but as I found such an awesome post, better I put re-blog it, instead of writing it…

Adrian vs. the World

“People don’t realize this but loneliness, it’s underrated.” No, I didn’t write it. Yes, it’s from a movie. Doesn’t make it less true.

It’s no secret that I absolutely adore (500) Days of Summer. As a film, it transcends generations through its boldfaced honesty and reaches to the hopeless romantic in each of us. Tom, the hopeful hero of the story, is a character who we all can relate to. Just like him, we’re eventually drawn to the idea of true love at some point in our lives. But that’s through no fault of our own. We’d see it in movies, hear it play on the radio, and read about it in books. We’re exposed to it at such a young age that it becomes more of a goal than our own dreams, which is pretty much what happened to Tom. He’s the only enduring human trait throughout the…

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My Mess

Right now I am trying to let it out, by crying the hell out of me. I notice I cannot even cry like I used to.

Self respect, according to common notion I don’t have any. A fickle heart is what I have, and it feels like a curse. A fussy collection of principles is what I am made of. It would be wrong if I say I am good for nothing, no-one, nobody and not even for neverland, but tonight I believe I am. If I had all these a thoughts few hours ago, I would say to myself ‘I can do this this and this; LIKE A BOSS’. But not now, not tonight; I snapped tonight, like many other nights before. But today I snapped in the wake of this horrible realization. I am not crazy for anyone, I am not crazy for anything, any goal, any objective. I am just sad for everything, everyone. I am not obsessed with anything, I am just sad that I cannot attain anything. Perhaps I couldn’t hide it to my conscience anymore that I truly am a horribly miserable joke of genetic shuffles and randomness and the worst part of this, I cannot change it. Whenever I snap I think I will change, but in this circle I come back to where I started. ‘Don’t pray for eaiser life, pray for strength to endure a harder one’. Some lucky bloke said this. I am not like this bloke. Right now I am scared that I have to live like for the rest of my life. Shall I wait for a miracle? Or shall I keep up my over ambitious dreams and live on? Or shall I end my life?

Wait a min…

If I am a worthless meat ball consuming resources from this beautiful arc hovering in space, undeserving and incapable of sweet things such as love, success, happiness; How the hell did I become this big? How for the f**ck’s sake in my 22 years of existence I didn’t get to stay hungry for one single day? How did I even end up living with everything that’s needed to live? And how the f**k I get to hang out with other awesome human beings? And how did I even walk on this fearless planet with a sense of adevnture in my veins? HOW? It’s my parents, my friends, my masters, my bros. It is my life, my messy life, my relentlessly epic life. And you are damn right I am not giving up on my life! And being crazy? Yeah, it’s never too late.