Acute Soul Sickness

Acute Soul Sickness. I got this word from the game SuperBrothers – Sword and Sorcery. The game is superb. But that is not exactly the reason why I am writing this post.

This post is about the Sickness. I think I found the exact word for my sickness. It’s a acute soul sickness. As a matter of fact, this may sound uncommon, but it’s actually a pretty common sickness these days. I see a lot of people having a soul sickness. It’s not acute for most of them, but there are acute cases too, relatively rare.

The answer to the question “what is soul sickness?” or “what are the symptoms of soul sickness?” is probably self explanatory, so I will just skip that part. Lets, umm, talk about my sickness. We will start by reflecting on my life. I am a web-developer. I write code, wrangle code and try to be poetic about writing code all the time. Being poetic about code, I will write it somewhere else sometimes. I do travel, I like to travel, I like outdoors and I also like to photograph stuff. Other than that I have a tendency to be logical and rational and traditionally scientific about almost everything. And I also indulge drawing and reading etc. I do have a expansive set of reading, mostly non-fiction, which helps my tendency to be geeky at times. Other than that I a lot of stuff that gives me pleasure. My problem is I don’t have a girlfriend. I lost the shyness in talking fresh and straight a while ago. So I admit pretty easily I am tremendously frustrated regarding the romantic side of my life, which is stale and empty and always have a imaginary character involved. I also admit if I were a 100% pure outdoors person, I might not be as frustrated as I am now.

After reading the previous passage I think you have an idea of me as a person. Now I am going tell you how I am dealing with this problem and how I came to the solution. First of all, there are no solutions. I just live with it, but the thing that is worth mentioning is that I simply accepted it. Irony was that I had to pretend that I am cool in hope that someone might turn up and accept me (I am talking about a girlfriend). And then through pretending I realized something a while back. Something stark hit me while recollecting some conversations with some of my friends, acquaintances etc. A lot of people after going through some relationship hitches change themselves deliberately or keeps trying to change themselves to someone who doesn’t really care about being with a person of opposite sex. The thing that hit me was “Why give up hope?”. I think I have the best solution for my sickness. The very best ever. It’s a matter of choice, regarding how you choose to live your life.

My solution:

I simply keep up my hopes, and I keep falling in love, I be optimistic, I do stupid things. Sure it’s somewhat painful sometimes, but I am pretty sure I will be able to love a woman one day. That’s one-of-a-kind bad-ass if you ask me! 🙂

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Story of the dumbass

Before you start reading I must say that this story has no resolution. It’s full of dumbasstic moments of misguided overly concentrated apparently grand acts of faith and fickleness.

Our hero A, the dumbass, is single, awesome and brimming brilliantly with Love. He used to think he could make a girl believe that she is the luckiest girl alive.

Our princess, B is an extraordinarily awesome girl, strong, confident, smart, brilliant. B met A and A fell in Love, like a few times before. And A thought B likes him too. And that starts the great moments of fondness, exaggerated by As Love for B.

This angel, C, is also an awesome girl. Fun loving, happy, smiling angel. A felt this inordinate fondness for C since they met. A is bad at expressing and socializing, so according to him it never went up. After the great episode of fondness with B and A began, the angel stopped flying and A felt he could make her fly again, and his fondness for C turned to Love. At that time A became more awesome and being faithful to the concepts of Love, he tried to grab the angels’ hand and tried to tell her that he loves her; only horribly A came to know she never did stop flying and she cannot help him fly.

In great sadness and despair A went to B to tell him all about the events he experienced with C, expecting that B would understand his faith towards honesty and take him back, forgiving his infidelity. The dumbasses’ expressions run wild while he failed to express his Love for B. B went away only to meet A at dire times when when A is about to break. Bs whisper calms A like nothing else, yet B goes away everytime. A started to think if B really couldn’t forgive his infidelity; With whole big black veil of guilt he wrapped his heart.

Like a desert creature wait for a little rain under the unforgiving sun, A started to wait for those little rare flashes of B that supplies A little sips of fuel to live on.

Suggestions…

Suggestions are a very good thing. It makes you feel comfortable with a confusion. They can persuade you to embrace ideas that you never knew existed in your mind. Suggestions sometimes make you think the other way round. And sometimes suggestions can make you a complete dumbass. If you asked my few days ago how I do take suggestions, I would probably say, I am open to all suggestions. Now I would definitely prefer to hear and analyze the whole suggestion before I wrap my head around it.

After taking the a suggestion few days ago, I realized expressions are not always meant to do what they are originally meant for. The original suggestion was in the form, ‘Let go, stop trying’. I didn’t only let go, I let the person suggesting compose my expressions for me. You should never let someone else talk for you heart, you should let go of your heart yourself. I made a mistake!

It felt real good when she replied, she poked back. It’s not like that anymore. It’s a guilt for not expressing what I actually meant and I cannot do anything to fix it. It’s only been a few days without an exchange and I feel wrecked. I wish I was stronger than this. I don’t like regrets, I try not to wish that I didn’t do what I did.

I have faith in time, in life and in people who come in my life. And the only one thing I can do is hope everything will be alright. Till then I will keep listening to songs, keep my head down, take the loss, and dream impossible dreams, keep high hopes to make myself walk on.

Another practical take on rejection

Let’s talk a bit more about the stray advice you will find on the streets after you get  rejected. “Don’t talk with her”, “Avoid her for a while”, “See if you avoid her she gets concerned or not”, “Then only you will know she really feels!” etc etc.

You already had these type of advice, right? But did it never occur to you, “How the hell I am going to avoid her, when I love (like) her?”. Yes, next time when you get this type of advice tell them that you already the guts to Love (like) her and you cannot have the guts to avoid her too. If you could it would be a paradox!

On that note, Loving someone takes a lot of guts. Let’s say when you popped up your feeling for her, you might as well had all the doubts and flashes of assumptions regarding your soon-to-be relationship. And some of those assumption really took guts to swallow, but yet you didn’t run away from your feelings for her. You thought, “Yeah! I love her! I don’t care! Who cares about whatever will happen!”. Yes my dear reader, you should be proud that you had the guts to give your heart to someone. Be proud! Being proud will only make your situation worse. You will miss her more as you bask in your pride.

But hey! You are not a wimpy kid, are you? You are one bad-ass hitchhiker who traveled beyond Omega-4 relay. Did you forget that? You fought along-side the Turians (The best military in the Galaxy) when you saw that squad wes pinned by Collectors! You drank at that bar in Citadel (I forgot the name)! And did you forget that night when you boarded Normandy SR-2 without permission and suddenly came face to face with Shepherd? (Play Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3) Dude! You are the very definition of bad-ass!

Did the bad-ass metaphor really help, it didn’t right?

Let’s try this one. Your emotions are nothing but some chemical mumbo f**king jumbo inside your brain that has nothing to with the universe and no matter how hard you love someone, hate someone, etcetera someone it will change nothing in this f**cking universe. So don’t waste you time!

That also didn’t help! I know, I have been there. No matter how hard you try (1) you cannot get over the question why she rejected you and (2) you have problems believing that you cannot have her in your life.

No matter how many advice you get you won’t be able to make your life easier until you did it. In case you keep wondering if anything you did made her reject you and even saying ‘sorry’ is not helping, then the reality is most of the time ‘YOU MADE A MISTAKE!’. Deal with it! And remember that next time when you are getting close to a girl. Life is all about learning {and being sad}. Feel very guilty and be very upset; Keep feeling that way until you get bored of it. You will eventually get bored. This is a something I found out from the ‘Zabuza’ episodes of Naruto, when Kakashi said Inari about Naruto, “He probably is bored of crying by now!”

Life, my friend has ups and downs. You probably are an ordinary reader, or someone who is going through some situation like this, like me; And this post did nothing to help you. What I realized in my 22 years of this single shot, like Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Every Life is an unrelentingly epic event. Live it!

Practical Idea & a little Wild West…

There are many types of rejections that you can receive from a Boy/ Girl, which can be classified into two general categories.

First, you have absolutely no idea about the feelings of the other party have towards you and you simply propose a date or a relationship, you get rejected. No big deal in that.

Second, when you believe that the other party likes you the way you like the other party and you propose a date or a relationship and they refuse saying ‘I didn’t think that way!’. Horrible! Right?

A general reader who never got rejected can either ask, ‘How the hell did you know the person likes you?’ or ‘How the hell can you not know anything about the other persons’ feelings?’. In that case, he/ she should not read further down.

Now, coming back the point, let’s say you receive the second type of rejection, most people will advice, ‘Do something you like, try to enjoy things you like’. What kind of crappy advice is that? If I liked or enjoyed something during my rejection I would be doing that already. It only makes sense if the advice is like, ‘Think about the time before your rejection and try to remember the activities that you used to enjoy so dearly (Except talking with the person of interest)’. Even then, (most of us) you won’t be able to enjoy them, so what’s the point in doing ‘something you like’. Absolutely crappy piece of advice that you will find everywhere and mostly in those orchestral type articles where big dialog are written in fine tuned typographic standards.

So what shall you do? First, remember the time before rejection, and make a list of things you used to enjoy. Now start doing those one by one mixed with some of your natural reactions. I am giving out my approach,

  1. Groan.
  2. Cry a little
  3. Open up Dirt 3 and spray dirt all over the back of the Ford Focus.
  4. Read three words of a book before folding it back to it’s initial place.
  5. Groan harder again.
  6. Open up Street Fight X Tekken thinking a fighting game will help.
  7. Lose a few matches and groan even harder so everyone notice.
  8. Feel sleepy and close your eyes.
  9. Open up a Martin Gardner book, read one puzzle.
  10. Look at the ceiling and think about the bad stuff you did with the person of interest that just might tipped the person of interest off your league.
  11. Go to sleep on table.
  12. Wake up, eat snacks. Remember the person of interest and rejection.
  13. Text and irritate the person of interest.
  14. Repeat from step 1.

That was just an example of the approach you can take. Movies can be a neat activity that you can do while you are going through a rejection. It will not help you a bit getting over the rejection, but you can enjoy the movie, because your lazy brain can simply watch the movie and not do a thing that requires effort. My list of movies,

  1. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Awwwwwwwwwwwwwesome!)
  2. Shawshank Redemption (*tears*)
  3. Kung Fu Panda (Skatoosh)
  4. Monsters Inc. (Boo)
  5. The Rock (‘Losers always talk about their best’)
  6. and many more…

One more thing you can try after watching The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. Imagine yourself as this character shown in the photograph. You blood will instantly start to boil (Boys only). And remember, you got a single life only.

You must have noticed that my tremendously advanced intellect is being able to express itself in a more mature way. You think my writing has become more mature that the previous post? (Go ahead and take a look at the archives). If yes, then you are mistaking! I am just trying to laugh my problem off!

One uncommon immensely irritating sensation…

I am not like ‘Marvin’…

Whenever I get rejected by a girl (twice it happened, and many times more) this whole sensation comes to me (and my blogging frequency increases).

It’s a tickling & tingling sensation, irritating; And the worst part is the more you scratch it the more uncontrollable it becomes. It’s a combination of sorrow, being helpless about the current situation and the futility of trying to let the whole thing go. It’s a vicious feedback cycle that feeds on itself.

The primary conflict happens when ‘you love the girl so dearly’ + ‘you cannot do anything to get her’ happens inside you brain (which you fondly call heart). When you try to solve that conflict, it takes so much energy off your brain you lose focus and all the loser parts of you brain get activated (you feel you are good for nothing) and pushes you to a melancholic state of mind which can either be fixed by a good amount of nicotine or a good geeky companion holding a uber-hard logic puzzle book or a sudden impulse of a singular exciting idea or some amount of alcohol (hypothetical statement, no experiment done yet). And just when you think you had enough…

You read some online article about accepting the whole thing and you start trying to accept the whole rejection scenario and suddenly little hope pops into your mind and you start believing that you can actually get this girl. And then you disturb the girl with all your little ‘painful yet strong looking’ texts and let the conflict feed from the disagreeable texts that you get from that girl. Yet you don’t realize the conflict in your brain (which again you fondly called heart) is actually making you stare at the ceiling for overly long periods and blurring your vision with tears. Just to note, from an evolutionary point of view blurred vision is NOT GOOD!

The reason I am writing this post because I just had this ‘uncommon immensely irritating sensation’ few minutes ago, a day ago a few hundred times before, and I thought I should share my findings. I have researched the brain (which you fondly call …) activities during these periods of this ‘uncommon immensely irritating sensation’. There are hell loads of articles full of advice regarding how to cope with rejections from a girl (or a boy). All of them have some points in common such as ‘respect her decision’, ‘confront the rejection rather than denying it’, ‘accept that you still love the girl’ and ‘must not hate the girl’. I say all these points are tremendously important, especially the last one. DO NOT HATE THE GIRL. That’s what I did to a girl who rejected me, and I ended up hating her so much; I am sure I never hated someone such an amount before that and never I will hate someone in that enormous scale in my entire remaining life. FYI, I didn’t have any idea about how to deal with someone who rejected my after I changed all my life’s plans for her.

There is a chance that people who is currently getting through this situation might come across this article. I dedicate this part of the post to them. First of all, consider packing a space suit, survival gears, toothbrush, underwears and a copy of ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ button-screen edition and start hitchhiking through the Galaxy (and consider going to the Andromeda system sometimes). In case you are wondering; I read this delightful novel “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ by Douglas Adams in two stretches and finished it few hours ago and I believe my subconscious mind is busy processing the information it got from the quotes of the original ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’ rather than being busy politically flaring up the conflicts in my brain. Keeping that in mind, READ this book. It’s awesome. Even if you are not in a rejection scenario, read this book! And if you already read this book lend me your copy of ‘The Restaurant at the end of the Universe’ (Yup! I am sure you have it!).

You see, ‘getting over rejections’ is a subtle Art. Let me explain, it took me a year and a half to get over a big rejection (and I stopped loving her eventually) and the next big rejection took me 36 hours 23 minutes 12 seconds to get over. Practice makes perfect, if I extrapolate it linearly as a function of n-th rejection, it would take me minus one and a half year (approx.) to get over a girl (assuming ‘n’ is the number of BIG rejections). To quench your thirst for mathematical analysis of day-to-day problems, I will devote another post on this very topic where I will consider more elaborate extrapolations and draw more plausible conclusions from it.

Secondly (To my friends’ who got rejected by a girl), you may keep on reading online about getting over a girl and/or getting over a rejection. All these texts directly or indirectly state that ‘you can do it’. No matter how sternly you look at the computer/ iPad/ iPhone/Android phone or tablet/ Blackberry phone or tablet [Okay, enough!] screen most of you won’t believe that you can do it until you finally get to Magrathea… I  mean the planet where custom planets are manufactured… I MEAN to the point where you got over the rejection. So I say, struggle with all these emotions, cry a lot, disturb the girl with all your fumbling and mumbling and definitely try to follow the tips you found online. Just to note a little again, you don’t essentially need to stop loving the particular girl.

Thoughts without conclusion and etc.

After a long time I am writing. Recently I have been experiencing some remarkable thoughts and events. I didn’t notice the events or thoughts starting it’s play or ending. I just had them, at the edges of consciousness.

  1. Being myself! It became so apparent that I am me, and I cannot be someone else, I can never look into the universe with someone else’s eyes. I have to be me for the rest of my finite life. As child I often wondered how someone else was seeing something. Maybe it was just a more mature version.
  2. I kept seeing programs, solving simple programming tasks. Sometimes the programming was getting related to Life, classes and objects related to reality! Something like Songs in Code.
  3. I saw the dresses changing, changing without meaning. Colours of houses changing.
  4. Duet of thoughts: I am in Love, I should not be in Love!
  5. Saw a book full of poems or programs.
  6. Wouldn’t it be great if she felt Love for me!?
  7. How can all the Girl I felt Love for  didn’t feel anything special about me? Do I have to clear an ELT (Eligibility for Love Test)?
  8. I saw a desert made of snow, with distant mountains, I thought I saw Kamet there.
  9. I was playing a Guitar and a Piano.
  10. I fell in LOVE! I was drowning until I went to sleep.
  11. I noticed tears on my cheek.
  12. I was handling a DSLR, taking photos randomly.
  13. Entropy was going backwards, with a Guitar String.
  14. I was like Clint Eastwood in The Good The Bad and The Ugly.
  15. I was designing a fully fledged PC motherboard in some EDA software, which could read my thoughts route through multiple layers.